Day 30 - Family Time

Incredibly thankful for spending time with my family! Thankful for lots of laughter, good food, and amazing company! Laughter and family is good for the soul!

Day 29- My List

This will just be a quick list as I am utterly exhausted and ready for bed!

I'm thankful today for:

1. Landry hugging and kissing me repeatedly tonight .

2. Listening to Hadley sing at her first choir practice at OU.

3. Watching Landry sleep in the car.

4. Seeing my daughter smile!

5. Talking to my dad and grandparents!

6. Having a best friend who truly cares about me.

Day 28- My Brother

If you asked me when I was a kid if I am glad that I have a brother my answer would have been the typical sibling answer, "No way!" However, ask me today and my answer is, " I do not know what I'd do without him!" Today he had my back and supported me on one of the most stressful and hard days that I've had.  He drove almost three hours one way, took off work, and time away from his family just to be there for me.  I am so thankful for him. I am thankful that he takes that "protective" brother role. I am thankful that he uses humor to make people feel better, that he is "real", and has a kind and loving heart.  You rock Zechariah!

One of my favorite pics with my bro when he graduated from Boot Camp a few years ago!

Day 27- Focusing on The Good

There are many great blessings going on in my life. Despite the crap going on right now, I tend to let that consume me and which in turn effects everything and everyone else in my life. So tonight I will focus on the good; there are a lot of those.

1. Thankful that I am spending more time with my family - it's true what people say, when things are tough, your family has always got your back. This summer I have spent more time with my dad, step mom, grandparents, and my brother and sister n law then I have in a long time. So so thankful for them.

2. My kids- they really are great kids. I don't like to be "that parent" who brags but tonight I will say this, I think that Hadley is such a strong and independent young lady who has a very loving and giving heart. I can't wait to see what God has in store for her.   Landry- what a sweetheart who doesn't know a stranger. His big cheeky grin still can light up a room. Love love his deposition and loving heart.

3. Friends - Finding ones who stick beside you through thick and thin,  honest with you but still love you no matter what, are hard to find. Thankful for the ones I have.

4. My job - love being a teacher, incredibly thankful

5. My God- He has never left me despite my screw ups. 

Day 26- Thankful

Today was a great day spent with my kids by the pool. I am thankful for this "last day of summer" and that Fall is near! Thankful for God sending people in my life when I need them and for Him providing my every need through the help of others. Thankful for friends and family I can rely on. God is good!

Sometimes You Just Need a Rainy Day

I am thankful that today was just a cloudy and rainy day and that it was on a lazy Sunday.  I like the fact that when the weather is like this and it has been awhile since it has rained, that it makes me not feel as guilty for laying around. :) Thankful for lazy, rainy Sunday's.  Thankful for the time to relax and to enjoy great company.

Day 24 - A Day Well Spent with Family and Great Friends

Today was a much needed day - family/friends therapy! I am so thankful for time spent with great people this morning followed by a day riding motorcycles with my family.  There is something so freeing when you are cruising on the country roads and feeling the wind blow in your face.  I am thankful for the hilarious conversations over lunch that literally had most of us in tears from laughing so hard. I have really been missing my dad, step-mom, brother, and sister in law lately, so today was just what I needed! So thankful for today, for my family, for great friends, great conversations, laughter, and motorcycle rides!

Day 23... Finding Comfort

Thankful for these songs and the serenity of the sunset by the lake on this crappy horrible day.

You Never Let Go 

Oceans 

How He Loves 

I Turn to You

Beautiful Things

Day 22...Something Peaceful about Water

I have always loved being outside by trees and water because there is just something peaceful about it.  This afternoon after a long day at school, I had the pleasure of sitting by one of the lakes here in Athens.  This lake is beautiful and surrounded by trees.  As I sat down in the grass and just stared off watching kids play in the water, dogs swimming, people sunbathing, and an older lady sitting in her chair off by herself reading a book, I couldn't help but just smile.  Perhaps water brings out the joy, laughter, and a sense of calmness in people.  I could have sat there all evening, just watching people, and staring out into the water.  I am thankful that water is one of many beautiful creations by God. I am thankful for the peace that it brings me.  God is good!

Day 21...Brighter Day

Today was a much brighter day! I can honestly say that I have felt God's peace from the moment I woke up and all throughout my day. He reminded me again that if I completely surrender to Him utterly and completely broken, He will begin to restore me.  I am thankful that He reminds me that I am loved by Him. Today I am thankful for my precious kids and their sweet spirits. I am thankful for my new class of fourth graders, so many of them who need loved. Thankful for a brighter day.

My sweet boy, so tired, he couldn't even finish his sucker.

Day 20...Dealing With It and Overcoming It

These past few days, wow - complete emotional basket case. I guess one can say if you are really letting yourself grieve losses in your life, you are dealing with it. If that is true, then all the tears I have cried actually can maybe be a positive thing? One major negative thing that I am trying to overcome is my insecurities and lack of self worth. It truly is a big black hole that holds me down, keeps my relationships at a distance,and dictates my life.  I am tired. However, I know that I can no longer let what others say or think of me dictate how I feel about myself.  In the end, it is how God views me that really matters and guess what - God has and always will love me unconditionally.  He created me and He forgives me.  I was reminded of this tonight and reminded that I matter, I am loved, and that I am worth it.  Sometimes it takes me coming literally to my knees, completely and utterly heart broken to break down those walls that I put up and let others in to see the real, raw me.  I am thankful that I have a God who loves me even when I am messed up and broken and people in my life who love me no matter what, who is there to cheer me on, and tell me that I am worth it and that I matter.
I saw the most beautiful sunrise on my way to work today, I believe it was God's way of telling me that His mercies are new every morning and He is right there with me - always.

Day 19...Picking Up the Pieces

Today I am thankful for the people in my life right now who are helping me pick up the pieces that have been broken in my life.  While those maybe few, I know the ones who are, are 100% there for me, loving me, being honest with me, supporting, and helping me no matter what.  I couldn't have made it without the support of people both here and far away.  I am also thankful for the way God can use crappy situations to strengthen relationships with family and friends.  Thankful for putting the pieces back together and the love and support I have from others to help me do it.  God is good.

Day 18...Just As The Title of My Blog Says...Finding Joy in the Mess of Life

When I started writing again a few weeks ago, I assumed my daily thankfulness would flow freely as it did before.  However, as you can see there have been days I didn't write, it hasn't flowed freely.  In the mess of my life right now, I am some days struggling to find joy.  Sure I can write the same things I am thankful for every day such as, my health, food to eat, my kids, my job, etc; but I want to find things that I really have to stop and think about so that I really appreciate them; things that I take for granted every day.  Just in the past few months there have been some heavy life altering events that have taken place and I often feel as if I am at my end and can't handle it anymore. I shut down, I withdraw, I cry, I get mad, and I just want to sleep and hope that when I wake up, that feeling of loneliness will have all slipped away.  Sadly, if I do sleep and wake up that weight bearing down on my chest and heart is still there.  Have there been some good things happen to me in the past few months? Sure, there have been absolutely amazing things that have happened and I am incredibly thankful for them, but it doesn't remove certain hurts that are still here.  I will say that I am thankful for what God is teaching me through this mess in my life. I was listening to one of the Christian stations on my way to work yesterday and they were talking about the word Grace - something that is undeserved and given to us by God because He loves us that much.  It is not something we can earn by doing "good" things. God has taught me a lot about grace over the course of my life, but even more so these past few months.  Hearing that grace is an "undeserved gift" from God because He loves us so much really hit me yesterday and brought comfort and peace.  This is something that I am extremely thankful for and take for granted on a daily basis. I don't deserve any of the gifts I receive each day, I don't deserve God's forgiveness for all of the crap I have done, but His grace is sufficient and He gives it to me every single day.  So today while I am feeling more of the "mess" in my life more than I do "joy", I am trying to cling on His grace to get me through and to really find JOY daily in the mess of my life.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power ismade perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Day 17...Thankfulness

What I am thankful for today:
1. Feeling better.
2. Getting out to do a little back to school shopping and dinner with new friends.
3. Laughter - good for the soul.
4. Sleeping in.

Day 16...Recovering

It has been a long week since my surgery. I have realized that I am not a very good patient that likes to just lay around and not do anything. I have cabin fever and am so ready to feel "normal" again.  I haven't written all week because I just haven't felt in the right state of mind to write.  One of the bad things about having to stay inside and on bed rest is that you have so much time to think.  While it can be good to think, it can also be bad.  My thoughts of doubt, fear, anxiety, and stress slip back in and start to control my mind.  This in turn effects my emotional and mental state and it can be a downward spiral.  I am thankful for my friends who have checked on me, brought food, took care of my laundry, and drove me to my appointments.  My friends are glimpses of God showing me that He is still in control and taking care of me.

Day 15...Feel the Love

I apologize if this doesn't make sense as I am medicated from my surgery today. I am just going to list what I am thankful for today:
1. My surgery went well and I should be going home tomorrow.
2. The nursing, doctors, anesthesiologist, and staff  have been amazing.
3.  Friends who have came to visit, texted, messaged or called me today, I feel the love.
4. Glazed donuts that my awesome friend Brittany brought me tonight from McHappy's along with my sweet tea!
5. My awesome friends Shelly and Missy who brought the beautiful flower plant!
6. My dad!

Day 14...Taking My Own Advice

Sometimes I can be so great at trying to encourage others and give advice, but when similar situations happen to myself, I do not tend to take my own advice.  As I have mentioned before, of course there are crazy stressful stuff going on in my life, but I know of many others as well.  One particular person that I offered advice and tried to encourage just yesterday, reminded me today as I was spazzing out getting ready for my surgery tomorrow by saying my exact words I used: "God has got this. Let Him worry and take care of you." Ouch. Perhaps instead of worrying so much, I need to pray and remember God has my back. Thankful for the "gentle" reminders that God takes care of me despite my anxiousness and worry.
Thankful for:
1. Watching my sweet little guy sleep in the car today.
2. Playing with him at the park.
3. Taking my girl to get her hair cut and curled.
4. For my dad: he has always led the roles of both father and mother. He is here to be with me for my surgery tomorrow. Incredibly thankful for him.
5. Awesome people who have texted, emailed, came over, etc. to help me prepare and ask if I needed anything for my surgery, and let me know they are praying for me.
6. God answering prayers and providing.

Day 13...Worry is a Sneaky Beast

Just when I think I have this worry thing beat, it sneaks up without me even noticing it until I am physically ill. I am having surgery on Thursday, it requires me to stay in the hospital, and I am pretty anxious about it. I hadn't been until today when I had to go in for the pre-op stuff. I had my blood drawn, spoke with the nurse,and the anesthesiologist who just happens to be a friend of mine which is awesome! Worry makes me physically ill every single time. I was sick on my way into the appointment, afterwards, and the rest of the day. It sucks, because I am sick to my stomach and that makes me anxious on top of what I am already worrying about.
Worry is such a vicious, vicious cycle.  So today while I struggled and was sick from it, I prayed, and I reminded myself that God has this.
What I am thankful for today:
1. God answered prayers for a special friend of mine.
2. Seeing my kids laugh.
3. School shopping with my sweet girl.
4. Snuggles from my boy.
5. The beautiful moon in the sky tonight.
6. Encouraging words from others.

Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  I Peter 5:7

A verse I have always recited over and over in my head since I was a child and will continue through my surgery...and the rest of my life.

Day 12...What God Can Actually Do

There are so many people I know who are going through very stressful times in their lives.  And as everyone knows the past few years for me have been trying and especially the past few months.  Despite having accepted Christ into my life and then being baptized, attending church all of my life, attending Bible college, and experiencing God in so many different ways and levels, I still doubt.  I very much doubted that God could really get me through grad school, help me with that test, and help me get my license to teach.  I doubted that God could forgive me for crap that I have done and doubted that He loved me unconditionally.  To my amazement as He always does, He answered my prayers, and showed me that He has been walking beside me the whole time.  Did he answer them in the way and time frame that I expected? No, He did not. It took a whole year, lots of money, time, heartache, disappointment, to get my license, AND I still haven't passed that Social Studies test. I am not teaching it currently so it is not a big deal, but He answered it in His timing. He knew that in a year the state would change their mind and allow teachers to just get their license in one content area rather than two.  I look back over the past year of trying to pass that test.  It was trying, extremely trying, my job was always on the line and still was until last week, up to the very last second.  But I think of all the things I have learned. I have learned a lot about myself, I have developed relationships with people that I would never have if it weren't for studying for this test, I have learned that no matter what, you have to keep trying and keep fighting for something you truly want. I learned for the millionth time that God has and always will take care of me, even when I am completely lost and swimming in a sea of doubt and lack of faith, He was and is still there.  He had a purpose for the suffering I endured.  I am not sure why He had me do go through all of that, and I may never know the "main reason", but I do know I learned a lot and was reminded of who God is and what He can really do.
I think back and remember that any time someone told me "Do not worry", "God will work it out", "Do not stress about it", "It will be okay", I seriously sometimes wanted to punch them, okay not really, but it did make me angry at times.  There were times where I honestly did not think I would be okay and that God must be mad at me because He is nowhere to be found and is not helping me at all.  But the truth of it was, I am glad that God had those people tell me that, even though I didn't want to hear it, because they really did help me get through it.  Looking back I am thankful for those reminders of God taking care of me.
As I sit here tonight, I know of a few people who are completely stressed out, worrying how they will provide for them self and their family, where they will work, how will the bills get paid this month, worried that they are not worth anything, why do other people love them....and it makes my heart incredibly heavy.  Perhaps one of the reasons God had me endure this deep darkness of life was so that I could completely understand when others experience the same heartache.  Every single thing I listed above are things I have and still do sometimes feel and it completely sucks and you truly feel like you will never get out of that dark hole.  Maybe God is using me to help others get through this stage of life, and I just truly hope I am doing all that God intends me to do.  It is weird to think of where I was and my view of God just a few weeks ago, and to where I am today. Now I am the one saying - " You will be okay" "You are worth something" "This doesn't define who you are as a person" " God will take care of you" "Do not worry" "Do not stress".
But I also know some of those things are not possible - worry, stress, etc. they are not for me, it truly isn't. So instead I say this and most importantly I pray this - "God, please fill their hearts and minds with Your peace, Your love, Your understanding. God please show them how much You love them and that You will truly take care of them. God please help them deal with their stress in a way that they can relax and can rely on others and most importantly learn to trust and rely on You.
My heart is heavy for people I love so very much, but I am thankful that I know that God is and will be taking care of them, and I am so thankful that God loves me and loves these people so so much and that I and they are worth it!
This is one of my absolute favorite verses; one that I often recite in my head when things are tough.

 6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

Day 11...Celebrating My Nephew's Baptism

Today was a celebratory day.  My nephew Gabe was baptized by his grandfather and my brother.  I have seen many baptisms and every single time my eyes fill with tears and of course today was no exception.  Choosing to publicly show your decision that you have accepted Christ into your life and that for the rest of your life, you choose to live for Him is the most important decision a person can make.  I am so thankful I was able to be apart of Gabe's special day today.  I am thankful for a day spent with family and seeing one of my very best friends that I haven't seen in a long time.
There were seven other people who were baptized today, two of them adult women.  Watching them be baptized reminded me of just how vast God's love and forgiveness is for us.  I remember so clearly the day I was baptized, I was thirteen years old on August 29, 1993. That was a day that forever changed my life for the better.  Today was a glorious day, for this I am thankful.

Day 10... Meaningful Talks

I often hear many people say that because of technology and cell phones that there is not a lot of real conversations that take place. I would have to partially agree with that statement, but I also believe that when you have that strong connection and trust with someone, those long meaningful conversations take place all the time despite the distractions of technology. Tonight I am thankful for having one of those meaningful conversations. Thankful for that level of trust and the ability to be real. 

Other things I am thankful for today:

1. My nephew is getting baptized tomorrow and it will be a day of celebration with my family tomorrow.

2. Thunderstorms 

3. Shopping - 

4. Excitement of starting to write lesson plans for this upcoming school year.

5. God's faithfulness.

6. Real friendships

Day 9...Summer Nights

Summer nights just have something magical about them. Tonight was one of those fun and relaxing summer nights. Thankful for wonderful weather, beautiful gorgeous night sky with the orange glow of the moon, fun music listening to a live band, all with great company.  Thankful for a much better ending to this week! 

Day 8...Experiencing Peace in God's Creation

There is just something about being outside near water, trees, a blue sky, and the rays of sunshine that is so good for the soul.  Today was such a beautiful day and I was able to enjoy it while canoeing on the Hocking River and hiking at Old Man's Cave.  Every time I am able to spend time outside in beautiful serene places away from my phone, people,and the business of life, I am reminded of the peace that it brings.  No matter how many times I am surrounded by nature, I am in awe of God's beautiful creation.  Every part of nature has such intricate parts to it. The way different roots grow in all different directions, the difference in the height and depth of trees, how the water is shallow in one area, but six inches away you can't see the bottom.  I love how different birds sing different songs and the currents in the rivers.  The beauty of the different rock formations, and the coolness in temperature at the bottom of the cave.  All of these things are part of who God is and what He has created.  Spending time in the beauty and serenity of nature today, brought a sense of calmness and peace over me and in my heart; for this I am thankful.

Day 7...O Happy Day

I.FINALLY.AM.GETTING.MY.REAL.TEACHING.LICENSE!!!! Thank you Jesus! This past year has been horrific in trying to pass this awful test in a subject that I am not even teaching! Thankfully the Ohio Department of Education is allowing teachers to get a license in just one subject area! Whoo hoo! I can't even describe the joy that I am feeling! So, today I am singing O Happy Day in my head and around the house as I am so elated to be teaching fourth grade Language Arts at the same school that I love teaching at! God is good and faithful.  Maybe next time something that is completely stressful and extremely hard, instead of doubting God, I'll trust Him more.
So thankful for today and I am beyond joyful!

Day 6...Better Day

Thankful for a much better day today! There is something about being around people who you know care about you.  Whether you are with them face to face or having some kind of contact via text, email, or phone.  People that always make you feel important and that they care about you and what is going on in your life. Today was that kind of day for me.  I was surrounded by people who made me feel loved and cared for in all aspects today, face to face, phone, email, text, etc. God created community for a reason, for that I am grateful.
I finally got to watch Heaven is For Real tonight, what an inspirational movie.  Since I have been struggling with doubt lately, it was encouraging to watch the father in this movie who struggled with his faith and the existence of heaven and through his four year old son, God changed his heart.  I could very much relate to his struggle and the experience of God changing that doubt into belief.  I am thankful that God is doing that very thing in my heart currently.  I am seeing glimpses of His faithfulness every day; being around special people today were one of those glimpses.

Thankful for:
1. Fall like weather today.
2. Feelings of peace rather than anxiousness today.
3. Better day.

Day 5....Sometimes You Just Have to Let the Tears Flow

What.A.Day.  I should've known this day may not turn out to be my day when I was unable to open my new jar of honey for my cup of coffee this morning.  If only that was the worst part of the day...I had an appointment about an hour from home and after that appointment I decided to grab lunch through a drive-through and sit in my car to eat.  I turned everything off, lights, car charger, radio, and the keys were out of the ignition, but somehow only after 10 minutes of eating when I went to start my car it wouldn't start.  Battery dead.  In the past  ten or so years I have NEVER had a dead battery, and I have had this happen to me four times in the past three months.  Thankfully I had a friend close by who I called and he came and jumped my car.  I decided I would carry on with my day and stop at a few stores, again I come out, no lights on, nothing and I barely could start my car.  Afraid of driving on my way home, and it not starting, or waking up in the morning and it not starting, I called my friend and again and he was kind enough to follow me over to Walmart and to see about getting a new battery.  An hour later, I was on my way home with a new battery and $130.00 poorer.  However, I am thankful I had a friend close by despite being an hour away from home, and thankful I made it home.  Throughout the day other major stressful events took place which just added to my day.  The icing on the cake was leaving Kroger's with a cart full of groceries and standing by my car and realizing I didn't have my keys. I dumped my purse out, no keys, looked in the car, no keys. The tears came and flowed, said a few choice words to myself, and tried to walk gracefully back in the store to ask if they would hold my groceries and put my ice cream back in the freezer until I could unlock my car.  An hour later after walking back to my house, getting my spare key and walking back around 9:30pm, I retrieved my groceries, and drove home.  Of all the mess taking place daily in my life, these little things that happened today just exemplified those other things, I caved, and yes broke down in the Kroger's parking lot.  Sometimes you just have to let the tears flow because there is nothing else you can do.  Despite the craziness, I am thankful it was a beautiful night to walk and thankful I had gone home earlier and changed out of my heels into flip flops.  I am now thankful this day is about over and I can go to sleep.
Thankful for today:
1. Beautiful weather.
2. Good friends who help when your car dies.
3. A good cry - it is needed sometimes.
4. Tomorrow is almost here
5. Dinner out with a good friend.
6. Opportunities.

Day 4...Self Worth

Self worth: the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Self worth are such strong and powerful words.  Words that can literally make a person feel like they are on top of the world or completely destroy themselves and the ones they love.  Self worth I think is a struggle for a lot of people, I know it is for me.  Today has been one of those days where I am letting it tear me down.  I had a lot of time to let negative thoughts enter my mind today.  Thoughts of my mistakes, doubt, failures, worry, my physical appearance, the "what ifs", measuring myself to other moms and people, the list goes on and on.  Basing my self worth on those things will not get my anywhere and it will not only destroy me as a person but it will bring down the people closest to me in my life.  I realized tonight while I was in the middle of this self destructing mood and sitting on my couch literally in tears feeling as if I am not worth a crap to anyone right now, that I am pushing people that I love away by doing that.  

I know that I have done that in the past to others, I hate that, if I could change it I would.  But since I am starting over, I have a chance to not let it happen to anyone else in my life.  It is hard to remember that my self worth comes only from one person and one person only  - God.  He created me as it says in Psalm 139:14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

God reminded me of that tonight as I was sitting alone in tears wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Sometimes it takes us falling apart and coming to Him before we actually hear what we need to hear.

He also reminded me again during a phone conversation with a great person He has placed in my life during this mess.  Sometimes hearing encouraging words and reassurance from someone who really cares about you is that little nudge to get you out of that dark hole you feel like you are sinking in and can't get out of.

That is what I love about God, you never know how or who He will use to help you in life's messes.  This verse from Ephesians has become a favorite of mine. It came to my mind tonight as well; a great reminder that I am worth it because God is able to do so much in me, more than I could ever imagine.

Ephesians 3:20 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

Thankful for:

1. Scripture that pops in my head exactly when I need it.

2. God putting people in my life when I need them.

3. Courage to write and share my story.

4. God's unconditional love.

Day 3... Adjusting

Adjusting to new things are always very trying. Today was one of them.  I am on day three of a migraine that has been on and off since Thursday. Today was the absolute worst day with it, which led me to having to lay down for hours only to waking up even more sick. I am thankful that my grandparents came down for a visit today and that they were able to hang out with my kids for a few hours so I could sleep.  There are new things each day that are an adjustment, today, it was trying to adjust taking care of my kids while I am very sick.  Migraines suck, absolutely suck. I am thankful that my kids are tucked in bed and that I can finally go to bed and hopefully wake up with no migraine tomorrow.
I am one that is not a big fan of change and sometimes not wanting to try new things.  From the little things such as once I find something I like at a certain restaurant, I usually do not order anything different because when I do, I end up not liking it, and bigger things.  The bigger things such as I hate to start new job even though it can be exciting, it is scary all at the same time.  As I have written about so much, I struggle with anxiousness and worry, which leads to having a hard time adjusting to new things in life.  One of the things I am trying to remember as I am adjusting, is that God has me in His hands, and His love does not waiver.

How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
    in the shadow of your wings.
Psalm 36:7

Thankful for:
1. My grandparents visiting today.
2. My grandmas delicious cherry pie.
3. That my kids are able to know their great-grandparents.
4. Bedtime when I feel like crap.
5. Storms in the afternoon.
6. That my precious kids kept checking on me while I was laying down today.
7. For other's that love and think about my kids.

My son and my grandpa having fun at lunch!

m

Day 2...Letting Go

Letting go of past mistakes, failures, or whatever you want to call them, is something that is hard to do. Although I haven't figured out why that is so hard for me to do when I know how much peace that brings, I still tend to cling on to those things.  I forget that God doesn't want me to continually beat myself up over and over; He wants me to learn from what I did, but He also wants me to remember that Jesus already took that pain of sin for me.  Thank you Jesus, for dying on that cross.  I don't even want to imagine what life would be like if He didn't and if I didn't accept Him.  I am in the process of learning to let go of past mistakes, it's a long, hard journey, but I am starting to accept God's grace again.  I realized that if I want to be where I need and want to be with God, and other important people in my life, I have to let go and accept God's forgiveness and His unconditional love.  By letting go, I am starting to feel glimpses of peace in my soul again, what a beautiful thing.

What I am thankful for today:
1. Answered prayers
2. Long meaningful conversation with a special friend tonight
3. Hearing from friends that I haven't heard from in a long time
4. Seeing the excitement on my kids faces when I picked them up from their grandparents
5. God's grace
6. That it didn't cost as much as I thought it was to get my SUV fixed today :)

One of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen. This was taken back in the Fall on my way to work.  Seeing this reminds me of simply letting go and resting in God.

Starting Over...Day 1

It has been a few months since I have wrote on my blog.  There are many reasons that I stopped, some I will share tonight, others later, and others I may never share.  One thing I have learned through writing is that if you do not feel it in your heart, don't force it.  As my life has had many many changes in the past few months, my heart has not been in writing.  I decided to give this blog a face lift.  I changed my title from New Beginning to Finding Joy in the Mess of Life, changed the background, and am now starting over with my days of gratitude.
I changed my title to Finding Joy in the Mess of Life because well to be honest, parts of the past few months have been a living hell; a big mess.  Just about every aspect of my life has been a mess, but as always, there are glimpses of joy when I would choose to find it.  One big part of my mess has been my relationship with God, it has been a huge mess, and to be honest it has been for a long time.  I wrote a lot about doubting over the past year, sadly that doubt has continued to grow all the while adding anger, and struggling with God's grace and forgiveness.  I wish I could say I am the type of person who always runs and clings to God when things suck and fall apart; sometimes I do; but most of the time I don't.  Feeling so far away from God is one of the most scariest feelings I have ever felt.
While there is so much that is on my heart, so many things I have learned, am learning, facing, dealing with; tonight is about starting over.  I am starting over with writing each day of what I am thankful for.  I am starting over in the way I view God and His grace, forgiveness, and love.  I am starting over with life.
It is my hope that this blog will still encourage others, but I also know that there are others who will read this and get pissed off, some who may not think highly of me right now because of what others have been saying or because of their judgements of me without really knowing what has been going on. That is the chance you take when writing and being real, and so I say this: if you don't want to know the real me or what has been or what is on my heart, please don't continue to read my blogs.  I am learning who my real friends and family are through my mess, my mistakes, my joys, and my life right now.  I am learning to try and accept the ones that aren't and move on.  Tonight I am starting over - finally taking steps to finding peace again, and it feels good.
Tonight I am thankful for:
1. The awesome weather - sunny, cool breeze, no humidity, sleeping with the windows open
2. My sweet kids - I am so so thankful for Hadley and how she is just such a strong and beautiful little girl. My little man who is so full of life, his laughter, his chubby cheek smiles, sweet sweet boy.
3. Finding God again - What a dark pit of hell when you distance yourself from Him- especially when you've hit rock bottom.  Thankful that no matter what I do, the mistakes I make, God loves me unconditionally and offers His grace and forgiveness, the hard part is accepting it.
4. People who are sticking by me - Through all of this mess, very few people are going through it with me.  I am so thankful for the ones who call and text me to check on me, who hang out with me, cry with me, just sit with me, pray for and with me, and most of all who accepts and loves me no matter what has happened, thank you to all of you and you know who you are. I love each of you so much!
5. Prayers answered - I see God at work in answering some prayers that I have had for months and a lot of others have been praying for.

When I think of starting over, I think of taking a drive on backroads that I have never driven on.  They are beautiful, new, and you have no idea where it ends up. Just like trusting God and you know in the end, you will be just fine. 

Day 266- Your Sweet

I heard the most sweetest words from my little guy tonight when I was telling him good night.  I had said, "I love you Landry. You are too sweet." He said, " You are too sweet too momma."

Awesome words after a long stressful day. Thankful.

Day 265- My Kiddos

I was able to have some one on one time with each of my kiddos today, for that I am thankful. 

I took Landry to get his hair cut and while that may sound like a mundane thing, it was sweet. He looked like such a big boy in the chair, so excited, and he would look at me and give me his cheesy grin- melted my heart.

We then had a trip to Krogers and while eating his sticky sucker he would pucker his lips and lean up to kiss me. Precious. Thankful to have those moments with him today.

Hadley-  I took my girl to my students softball game tonight. She was bored at first but then she laid her head down on my lap and said, " I just love you "

Loved our talks and love that we both love our milkshakes. :) Thankful for this beautiful night. Thankful for my kids!

Day 264- Dancing The Night Away

Chaperoning Prom was so much fun! It was fun to get all dressed up, nails and hair done, and dance. I am thankful for getting to hang out with friends, co-workers, and students. Thankful for dancing, because it is seriously something I love to do! And thankful for seeing this awesome dress hanging in the window today uptown! And that it was only $24.00!

Day 263- Prom

I am thankful for such a fun evening of decorating for our schools Prom tomorrow. I love getting to know people better, hanging out with students, and just doing fun things like this. Thankful for a long, but very fun and enjoyable day.  Thankful that now it is time for sleep!

Day 262- My List

Things I am thankful for today:

Cool rainy day

Landry singing Let It Go in the car while watching Frozen

Landry's allergic reaction at the babysitters was controlled by Benadryl 

Donuts

That I get to drive on back country roads every day to and from work

Hugs from my kiddos 

Singing

Day 262- Tucking My Kids In Bed

There are such sweet moments when putting my kids to bed. I am thankful that both of them wanted extra hugs and kisses tonight. I am thankful that my kids still want to hug and kiss on me even when I am not at my best as their mom. Thankful for my girl and my little man.

Day 261- Shoes

If anyone knows me just a little, you would know that I am pretty giddy when it comes to shoes. I love them. I love all colors, heels, flats, comfortable, flip-flops, you name it I love them. When I came home for the summer from my freshman year of college my dad about flipped out when I brought home 150 pairs of shoes. No joke, I had that many. I don't think I have that many now, but probably close. My motto is, " a girl can never have too many shoes." Tonight as we were sitting in the drive way with our neighbors,  there was mention of going to the shoe store, and of course that caught my attention and I half jokingly said I'd love to go when she asked her 11 yr. old daughter to go.  Her husband offered to watch the kids and off we went! I had been eyeing a certain pair of sandals for awhile but didn't buy them since they were not on sale. Tonight, however, they were! And yes I bought them! So tonight I am thankful for an impromptu shoe shopping with a friend, and of course scoring a sale! I am also giddy about borrowing my friends gorgeous shoes for this Saturday when I chaperone the Prom. To share my delightfulness in shoes, here are a few pictures. Thankful for friends, great talks, wine, driveways, kids running around laughing, and of course shoes! 

Day 260- Today

In the midst of the unknown sometimes you still have to dig for the things you are thankful for.  Today has been one of those days. Today I am thankful for certain people that truly help you through the crapiness of life.  People who are willing to do anything to help a person feel better, to make them smile, to pray for them, email/call/text, anything that will make them breathe a little easier.  I am thankful for those people who did that for me today.

Day 259- Mother's Day

The joys of my Mother's Day are most definitely my kiddos. Thankful God chose me to be their mom. This day also brings a lot of sadness with one of my babes in heaven and my mom. I can't help but get sad when I see others with their moms, reading about how wonderful they are, and how they don't know what they'd do without them. I wish I could do the same thing, it sucks.  So I will say this and hope that my precious baby can know - "I am glad that I was chosen to be your mom, if only for a very short time on earth, but forever in heaven I'm your mom and Iove you immensely. "

To my mom-" I miss you. I'd give anything to see you and hear your voice one more time. I hope you can look down and be proud of what you see. Happy Mother's Day and I love you."

Thankful for the pictures and memories I was able to capture today.

Day 258- Spending Time

Despite how hard it is, I'm thankful that I was able to visit my mom's grave this weekend. This holiday has always been hard, even more so now that my mom is gone. It was good to sit, talk, and sit still for awhile at her grave. Thankful I had the opportunity to visit her.

Day 257- Today

Today I am thankful for a beautiful Spring day and night. Thankful I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Day 256 - The Power of Encouragement and a Little Wine

What a day, a very long day.  Thankful my students finished their testing today. Thankful I was able to play another few hours of basketball with them and obtain another sunburn.  The weather has been gorgeous.  Tomorrow is a big day. HUGE! Tomorrow from 12-3pm I will be taking one of the most crucial and painful tests that I have taken in my life.  My job, my pride, and a few other things, are contigent of me passing this test. I won't lie, I have been anxious and worried all day; especially tonight.  After conferences tonight, that horrible sick feeling in my stomach, that heaviness in my chest where I feel like Im grasping for air, came over me. That horrible word - DOUBT started to creep in. "What if I forget everything?" "I still need to go over more questions." "I have worked so hard for this." "What will I do if I lose my job?"  Those horrible thoughts that keep churning in my head, over and over.  As I drove home tonight with my windows down, songs turned up, and the air blowing in my face watching the beautiful sunset, I tried to pray, tried to replace that doubt with confidence.  I was then reminded of the cards I received from very dear friends the past few days, and a surprise phone call from another awesome friend who asked me to stop by to hand me something and to pray with me.  There is so much power in encouragement from people who truly believe in you.  Power in the words they say, in cards they write, and there is incredible power in people who stop and pray with you out loud.  As I have mentioned lately, prayer has been a struggle, and it is awesome when people step in to pray for me and with me.  So tonight, while I feel like I should frantically study more, from the advice of friends, I am watching a show, eating some cheese and crackers, and drinking some wine.  I truly hope I can wake up feeling like a rock star and will rock this test.  Power in encouraging words.  Power in believing I can do this. 

Beautiful flowes and cards from amazing people in my life

My attempt at relaxing tonight

Day 255- The Last Full Night

Tonight was my last full night of studying for this dang test. Tomorrow I have parent teacher conferences and am hoping to have a little down time to relax and get some sleep. I am very much hoping I will never have to study for this again! Here are the things I am thankful for tonight:

1. Playing basketball with my students after their testing today. I absolutely love just hanging out with them. 

2. Getting my first sunburn of the year!!

3. Gorgeous day and night. 

4. Catching up with friends and family and talking about real meaningful things.

5. Hot fudge milkshakes and deep fried mushrooms.

And yes I took a selfie to remember my last night of studying because I'm going to Rock this test!

I

Day 254- Need.To.Breathe.

Absolutley hate being under so much stress and anxiety. I have two more days until this awful ridiculous test that I have studied for more then anything else in my entire life. I am.so.over.it. After working from 7:15 am until 8pm and now it is almost 11 pm as I sit here at the coffee shop studying, the gloss over look is starting to set in and I can barely keep my eyes open. I still have so much to look over, then it's back up at 5am, a day of testing for my students, a meeting, and more studying. Thursday is yet another long day with putting at least 12 hours of being at school for conferences, and then I'm off Friday morning for my test. I would be lying if I said I am holding up okay, because I am not.  On the outside I smile, I teach, I hug my family, but on the inside I feel like a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest, my heart is racing, and I feel like I'm going to throw up all.the.time. It sucks. I know Ill make it, but it sure feels like hell trying to get through. I hate that I'm struggling with doubt. I hate I'm struggling to pray for myself and this test. I'll pray for anyone else and believe Hes at work, but me, hardly any prayers are said. So I will say for today I am thankful for:

1. My sweet babies who hug on me and miss me so much

2. My amazing friends who are praying for me right now and encouraging me to pass this test, even when I can't.

3. The beautiful trees that are blooming.

4. Beautiful sky as the sun sets.

5. Iced tea

I am trying to pray "Jesus stay with me for the next few days and please don't let me fall."

Day 253- My Students

Most teachers are counting down the days until school is out for the year, I seriously am not. I am sure if I were in my 5+ years of teaching, I probably would be.  I just absolutely love my students, love teaching, love every aspect about it (except of course the red tape of it, testing, etc.).   Today was one of those days where it was just an absolute joy to be a teacher.  We are taking the state OAA's this week which makes everyone stressed and worried.  Knowing how stressed I am when I take a test, I knew that I needed to help my studens relax and be confident in taking this test.  I had found a link on facebook where teachers from Columbus, Ohio put together a song about passing the test to the song ,"Thrift Shop", it is hilarious and very fun.  I showed it to all of my classes today and they loved it. We danced, sang, and had fun.  My very last class begged me to let them write their own song and present it to the class, and yes, I caved and let them.  (Hey presenting to the class is something they have to learn :) ).  It was so incredibly fun to watch them work in groups and take this so seriously.  I was able to see some arguments but only to see how they could resolve those without me stepping in. I was able to see some shy students come out of their shells, and see some leadership take place.  I absolutley loved seeing the students really be proud of what they did.  I was impressed with the lyrics they wrote about passing the OAA's.  I wish I could post their videos, just so you could see what they did.  One of my most memorable moments was when a student came up to me after I said I would allow them to do this, and he said this, "Mrs. Lynch, I could just hug you forever for letting us do this!" Priceless. I love my job. I love my students.  So thankful that I have had the privilege of being their teacher.

Day 252- This Week - Both Anticipating and Dreadful For Some

For most, the week leading up to Mother's Day is a fun, exciting, and anticipated time.  Sadly, for some it is the most dreaded week of the year.  It can dreadful for those of us who have lost their moms, for ones who have a mom, but not in the sense of what a mom is suppose to be, or for ones who desire to be a mom.  I came across a really great blog written by a lady who lost her mom to cancer this year.  So instead of me writing mostly tonight, I thought I'd share her blog.  Most of her words are exactly what I feel and would say to anyone out there who still has their mom.  What I wouldn't give for another day to share so many things with my mom that I wasn't able to say.  

I will say, while this week is very hard, I am thankful I am a momma to three babies, two that I am able to hug on and kiss everyday, and one that I will someday in Heaven.

I can't seem to post the direct link, but it is posted on my facebook.  You can also go to this website below and then read the blog titled - Dear Friend Who Still Has Their Mother

www.graceformoms.com - 

Day 251- This Time Next Week

I will be so happy this time next weekend.  I have on more week of studying like crazy and praying I won't have to do it again. What a long long journey it has been, while I am believing that I am going to kick some - - - on this test, I can't help but worry that I may not pass it again.  However, right now, I am believing and praying I can do this.  Thankful for everyone who has helped me study, whether it be by helping me complete my homework, quizzing me, encouraging me, praying for me, and taking care of my kiddos so I could attend class and study.  Thankful that I have made it this far without going too crazy, but very thankful that I hopefully will be able to breathe deeper this time next week.  

Day 250- Driving

I think it's the country girl in me that finds driving on back roads with the windows rolled down and country music turned up so enjoyable.  On my way to study tonight I decided to take a little drive down a road I've never taken.  It was beautiful. The trees are blooming, there are old barns, one lane bridges, and open fields.  A fine masterpiece of nature art.  I felt as if I could take a deep breath and take a moment to just breathe.  Thankful for these times to clear my head.  Thankful for fresh air.  Thankful for country music. Thankful for God's creation that we can enjoy.  

Here are some pictures that brightened my stressful day.  My son asked me to take pictures with him and so of course I did and it was such a precious moment with him.  He hugged me as if he never wanted to let go; what a wonderful feeling.  Thankful for moments when a hug can make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters.  Thankful for pictures that captured my drive today.

Day 249 - Cheesy Grins

Picking up my little man today was priceless. He was full of cheesy grins from the moment he saw me, in the backseat while driving home, and while we were eating dinner.  I love that my kids get a smile on their faces when they see me.  It is an incredible feeling when your kids or anyone, really, smiles when they see you.  I am thankful for those cheesy grins.  They get me through the stresses of life.

Day 248- Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are good for the soul.  When someone goes out of their way to tell you something they appreciate about you, how nice you look, how special you are to them, etc., it can just really make someone's face and heart light up.  Today was one of those days for me.  I had a student come up and give me a hug and a bracelet she made me and she said , " I love you Mrs.Lynch!" This made my morning.  I had friends leave me messages today just saying they missed and loved me and were thinking about me, along with a voicemail from a dear friend.  I am so thankful for those people in my life who go out if their way just to tell or write me those things.  Even though we know that our family and friends care about us, there is just something incredibly special and meaningful when you hear those words spoken directly to you .  Thankful for hearing those words today, I needed it.  I only hope I can be better at speaking or writing words of affirmation to others.

Day 247 - Thunderstorms

As I sit by the big window studying with the flash of lightning and rolls of thunder, and the sound of rain hitting, it has me reflecting on the storms of my life currently.  Thunderstorms can came up suddenly, hit, and leave, while others stay and linger.   Same goes with storms  in life.   One moment things seem okay and the next a big storm hits and it knocks the air literally right out of my lungs.  As you know I have been praying this prayer, "Stay with me Jesus" the past week or so, and it still continues to be a struggle to pray.  Currently I feel the biggest storms are my health and this dang stupid test.  I hate that both of these things control every aspect of my life, I can only do so much to control parts, and it scares the living crap out of me.  The times when I should be praying those words, I instead start to lose my breath, I feel hot, shaky, and extremely frightened.  When will I ever be able to just pray those simple words?  Will I ever be able to? Will this extreme blanket of anxiety ever be ripped apart and tossed away? I really dislike storms at night, you cant see them, you don't know the damage they may bring.  It again is like life storms, you never know when they come or how hard they will hit, or what they may damage.  However, the sun always rises the next day.  Thankfully it does in life too, maybe not the very next day, but it does.  I am thankful that during the storms of life whether I pray that prayer or not Jesus is still with me and while He is with me the sun will always come out.

Day 246 - Take My Life (And Let It Be)

As I sit here trying to take deep breaths, to breathe, to not let anxiousness over take my thoughts, I am listening to this song we sang at church yesterday.  The chorus mostly,
Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for Thee
I keep going back to listen over and over.  It has a beautiful sound with a pretty girls echo on it, I love to hear and to sing it.  I am not sure why this particular song has come to me tonight as I lay and worry about things, but it brings me comfort.  I tried to post the link so anyone that wanted to could click and listen, but I couldn't get it to work.  I highly recommend going to you tube and putting in Chris Tomlin's Take My Life, insanely beautiful.  Thankful that music can bring comfort, thankful I have this prayer to pray - "Stay with me Jesus."

Take My Life (And Let It Be)
VERSE1:
Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
VERSE2:
Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold
Take my intellect and use every power as You choose
CHORUS:
Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for Thee
VERSE3:
Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine
Take my heart it is Thine own it shall be Thy royal throne
Take my love, my Lord I pour at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee

Day 245 - Beautiful

Today was beautiful in so many ways.  Hearing my sweet boys voice, "Morning Mommy" despite it being 6am on a Sunday.  Church was beautiful.  We were able to hear college students who attended Central and were graduating.  One of the things they shared was how Central impacted them.  The things they said were so encouraging about what this church is about = loving people, the community, sharing the gospel, and having community and real relationships within the church.  The songs were sang today- beautiful.
On my way to study, I decided to take a short drive at Strouds Run which is a beautiful lake with hiking trails, it was just about a 15 min. drive, but with the windows down and music playing, it was beautiful to capture the trees blooming.  My day of studying was beautiful as I sat outside feeling the cool breeze and looking out at the green grass, flowers, and saying hi to a few people I knew as they walked passed.  And this may sound odd, but I feel like I am starting to feel prepared for this test as I went through what seemed like hundreds of questions today (pretty close), it felt beautiful.
When I walked into my messy home with a sink full of dishes, the dining room table cluttered, and muddy paw prints all over the floor, my first reaction was that tightening in my chest of panic, but I quickly took deep breaths and calmed myself.  I reminded myself that life is absolutely insane at the moment, and my first priority is to pass this dang test.  I then decided to tackle about five loads of clean laundry that needed folded, and managed to wash a few loads, even though those will likely lay in baskets or stay in the dryer until I get a second to fold them, it's okay.  All of these things are beautiful as well; it means we have clothes to wear, a house to live in, dogs to love and love us, and food to eat off of those dishes.  Every second of today was beautiful.  During the moments of stress, uncertainty I had today I tried to pray, "Stay with me Jesus in my mess."