Starting Over...Day 1

It has been a few months since I have wrote on my blog.  There are many reasons that I stopped, some I will share tonight, others later, and others I may never share.  One thing I have learned through writing is that if you do not feel it in your heart, don't force it.  As my life has had many many changes in the past few months, my heart has not been in writing.  I decided to give this blog a face lift.  I changed my title from New Beginning to Finding Joy in the Mess of Life, changed the background, and am now starting over with my days of gratitude.
I changed my title to Finding Joy in the Mess of Life because well to be honest, parts of the past few months have been a living hell; a big mess.  Just about every aspect of my life has been a mess, but as always, there are glimpses of joy when I would choose to find it.  One big part of my mess has been my relationship with God, it has been a huge mess, and to be honest it has been for a long time.  I wrote a lot about doubting over the past year, sadly that doubt has continued to grow all the while adding anger, and struggling with God's grace and forgiveness.  I wish I could say I am the type of person who always runs and clings to God when things suck and fall apart; sometimes I do; but most of the time I don't.  Feeling so far away from God is one of the most scariest feelings I have ever felt.
While there is so much that is on my heart, so many things I have learned, am learning, facing, dealing with; tonight is about starting over.  I am starting over with writing each day of what I am thankful for.  I am starting over in the way I view God and His grace, forgiveness, and love.  I am starting over with life.
It is my hope that this blog will still encourage others, but I also know that there are others who will read this and get pissed off, some who may not think highly of me right now because of what others have been saying or because of their judgements of me without really knowing what has been going on. That is the chance you take when writing and being real, and so I say this: if you don't want to know the real me or what has been or what is on my heart, please don't continue to read my blogs.  I am learning who my real friends and family are through my mess, my mistakes, my joys, and my life right now.  I am learning to try and accept the ones that aren't and move on.  Tonight I am starting over - finally taking steps to finding peace again, and it feels good.
Tonight I am thankful for:
1. The awesome weather - sunny, cool breeze, no humidity, sleeping with the windows open
2. My sweet kids - I am so so thankful for Hadley and how she is just such a strong and beautiful little girl. My little man who is so full of life, his laughter, his chubby cheek smiles, sweet sweet boy.
3. Finding God again - What a dark pit of hell when you distance yourself from Him- especially when you've hit rock bottom.  Thankful that no matter what I do, the mistakes I make, God loves me unconditionally and offers His grace and forgiveness, the hard part is accepting it.
4. People who are sticking by me - Through all of this mess, very few people are going through it with me.  I am so thankful for the ones who call and text me to check on me, who hang out with me, cry with me, just sit with me, pray for and with me, and most of all who accepts and loves me no matter what has happened, thank you to all of you and you know who you are. I love each of you so much!
5. Prayers answered - I see God at work in answering some prayers that I have had for months and a lot of others have been praying for.

When I think of starting over, I think of taking a drive on backroads that I have never driven on.  They are beautiful, new, and you have no idea where it ends up. Just like trusting God and you know in the end, you will be just fine.