It seems as if the sermons at our church have been written and spoken directly at me lately. The new series is Doubt, something that I never felt like I struggled with until recently. Growing up there was a "stigma" that if you struggled with doubting God, who He was, who He is, then you were looked down upon as if you weren't a true believer. Having doubts about what God is doing in your life, why He isn't answering "your" prayers, why it seems He is letting you drown in your fears, etc. is a scary place to be. I think mostly because of that lie that you really aren't a believer or that something is wrong with you if you doubt. That little voice telling you that you have just got to believe, how dare you question who God is or what He is doing. Lately, I have been believing that lie. I have been doubting what the heck God is up to with this stupid test I need to pass, after many attempts, hours, days, and months of studying. The stress it has placed on me, making me physically ill, the toll on my family; why would God not help me pass it? What I hear today, a bible story I have heard time and time again, Peter. (Matthew 14) Peter doubted Jesus when he walked on water, he took a few steps toward Jesus, then became afraid, started to sink, and he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus did.
I am a lot like Peter, take a few steps, trust in God, especially when things are going "well" but when life gets tough, like this test, I doubt, I sink, and I let fear and anxiety take over. What I should be doing is calling out, "Lord, save me." However, that isn't all. I have cried that out many times, expecting a quick answer, a big neon sign, God doesn't always work that way and there is a reason. I may not know why, but God does. A few things I heard today have really resonated in my heart and mind.
God is not uncomfortable with my mess, my fears, my anxiety.
He is not going to let me drown in it.
Sometimes He lets us be in it for a long time - I'll come out stronger in the end.
God gives me everything I need to trust Him, but not more than I need.
I need to stay in conversation with Him, during the mess, during the doubt. I need to pray more and wait longer.
God can do amazing things with my doubt.
Wow - a lot of stuff to comprehend. I am so glad I heard these words today. I am so glad that despite me being uncomfortable with my mess, my doubt, my fears, and my anxiety, He is not. He has it under control, He knows why I am struggling. I need to keep seeking, keep trusting, keep praying.
We ended with an awesome song today at church - Where Feet May Fail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neZkRT35J40
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
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