This post will not seem as "thankful" as it probably should, but again, I am going to be real. Sometimes I wish that God would just lay out a few things in black and white. You know, those few things in life that we are trying to achieve or trying to just get through life. I know the gut reaction from church people would be, well that is where faith comes in. Duh, I know this. However, that doesn't make anyone feel better nor does it help in the moment to figure out "God's plan." I have always been the person who has control of life, everything planned out, and will achieve a goal no matter what. However, lately all of this has not happened and it really has created a lot of anxiety and stress. Again, I know, I shouldn't try to be in control and I should let God, but that has been incredibly tough for me lately. This beloved test I have been studying and trying to pass for a year - that is right A WHOLE YEAR!!! It is annoying, frustrating, and probably the first time in my life where I am not achieving something that I want/need so badly and have been working incredibly hard at. It has not only caused me stress but has effected my family, friends, and my relationship with God. I literally have felt like a hamster on a wheel, going and going with no end in sight - exhausted. As I reflect back over this year there has been many joyous occasions - I graduated from OU with my master's degree, we have figured out a lot of questions and medical issues with Landry, my daughter continues to do so well in school, and my husband continues to grow in his job. I landed my first real teaching job and absolutely love it! I am incredibly grateful for all of these things.
However, sometimes those blessings can become cloudy when life hits us with road blocks. I have hit many many road blocks as I mentioned above this test and now my health. I haven't written a lot about it because well, truthfully I am still getting used to this "being real" thing and there hasn't been any answers. I have been feeling incredibly exhausted, like to the point where I nearly fall asleep driving to and from work, could literally lay my head down and sleep at any given moment of the day and that is with any amount of sleep I may get. There are other things going on and I have had a few ultra sounds, an MRI, and other tests and still no results. I am not wanting something to be wrong, but I know there is, and again I want to fix it. I am tired of not having any energy to enjoy life. This is where I know I need to trust God but my faith is like shifting sand right now. I do not like where I am at spiritually, I am trying to work my way through it, it's hard. So while I am on this cloudy journey of doubt and discouragement I am still hanging on to the fact that God loves me unconditionally no matter what, there is some peace in that. I do hope that I can find my way out of this black hole I am in. I feel as if me being a wife, a mother, a friend, and just being "me" is off track - I am trying to have it all together, keep the house stuff together - bills, laundry, meals, shopping, cleaning - and it's not together - I have missed bills, haven't really cooked at all, had to have someone help clean, and rarely have the essentials of groceries stocked in our pantry. I have missed out on some q/t time with my kids, it sucks.
Perhaps God is telling me that I can't be super woman, I can't do it all and that it is okay. Knowing, accepting, and living that are all completely different. I am nowhere near accepting or living it. I feel after this test in a few weeks and I pass, I can breathe again, and will be able to focus on life like I did prior to this test. Perhaps, I am kidding myself and need to learn it now in the mess of my life. I know life will never be easy, there will always be roadblocks, but this is one road block that would remove so much stress and anxiety and maybe even get rid of my health issues I am having. I don't have the answers, I don't know the outcome of my test or my health. I still have to keep moving, try to find the words to pray and ask for God's leading, and still find joy every single day of my life.
If you have read this far, many thanks. I know that some who read my blogs may think it is ridiculous that I write about such personal issues or that I am looking for sympathy or recognition. I am not. If this offends anyone or causes anyone to shy away from talking to me or just sharing life with me, then I guess I have to accept that and move on. I have noticed people tend to not know how to "deal" with others are are open and real, they are uncomfortable because that means, really they are going to have to be vulnerable and real at some point as well, in order for that relationship to grow. I still have trouble with that, but through this blog, I have over come a lot of fear in this.
Love to all who are sticking with me, praying for me, and just doing life with me. I am thankful for you.
Praying for you my sweet friend.
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