Day 218 - Remembering My Sweet Baby

It is hard to believe that it has been five years since our sweet baby Honor passed away.  I had been feeling great, in fact I had a lot of morning sickness, which I thought it meant our baby was healthy.  However, I woke up on March 31, 2009 with things not right.  I anxiously waited for my appointment later that day, and when we went in and had an ultra sound, there was no heartbeat.  This day was a life changer for me, it was one of the worst days of my life.  Despite only been able to carry and get to know this baby for a very short while, I had totally fell in love with Honor ( this name was given to our baby after our baby passed).  I had talked to Honor everyday, I had purchased the first blanket, stuffed animal, clothes, all the exciting stuff when you find out you are having a baby.  We had told the awesome news to Hadley and she proudly wore the "Future Big Sister" shirt to announce to our family and friends.  When a parent loses a child, no matter how long you are pregnant or how old your child is, it is a devastating loss that leaves a hole in your heart.  I never knew how much heartache one can experience until we lost Honor.  There is such a stigma out there that there really wasn't a loss since your baby wasn't full term, or that your baby actually wasn't alive outside the womb, that is bull crap.  No matter how old or how long you carry your baby, it is a loss, the loss of a child.  As a family we are starting to do more things each year to remember Honor.  A few years ago we planted a tree in our front yard, currently it is small with no leaves, but I know in time it will be full and beautiful.  It was  a special moment because both Josh and I, Hadley, and Landry were apart of planting it.  Josh had flowers waiting for me when I got home today with a sweet note.  There is a neat little park tucked inside Athens with a pond ad a bench that has a plaque that honors babies that have passed away, this was purchased by a group called The Birth Circle.  I have been about every year, it is a peaceful place, a place I go to pray, write to Honor, and just think about Honor.  I was able to sneak away for a few minutes there tonight.  It was such a beautiful sunny warm evening.  I had brought one of the flowers and threw it in the pond, and I sat on the bench and wrote a letter to Honor.  I am thankful for this spot, it is truly a serene place to go and feel like you can be with your baby that you just miss so terribly.  Another thing I always do is wear a special necklace that Josh bought me for Mother's Day after Honor died.  It says on one side - "Expected on Earth Received in Heaven" and on the other side 3-31-09.  Even these are simple things, they are meaningful.  I long for the day that I can hold my sweet Honor in heaven.  I pray that our baby is remembered and cherished always.