Day 218 - Remembering My Sweet Baby

It is hard to believe that it has been five years since our sweet baby Honor passed away.  I had been feeling great, in fact I had a lot of morning sickness, which I thought it meant our baby was healthy.  However, I woke up on March 31, 2009 with things not right.  I anxiously waited for my appointment later that day, and when we went in and had an ultra sound, there was no heartbeat.  This day was a life changer for me, it was one of the worst days of my life.  Despite only been able to carry and get to know this baby for a very short while, I had totally fell in love with Honor ( this name was given to our baby after our baby passed).  I had talked to Honor everyday, I had purchased the first blanket, stuffed animal, clothes, all the exciting stuff when you find out you are having a baby.  We had told the awesome news to Hadley and she proudly wore the "Future Big Sister" shirt to announce to our family and friends.  When a parent loses a child, no matter how long you are pregnant or how old your child is, it is a devastating loss that leaves a hole in your heart.  I never knew how much heartache one can experience until we lost Honor.  There is such a stigma out there that there really wasn't a loss since your baby wasn't full term, or that your baby actually wasn't alive outside the womb, that is bull crap.  No matter how old or how long you carry your baby, it is a loss, the loss of a child.  As a family we are starting to do more things each year to remember Honor.  A few years ago we planted a tree in our front yard, currently it is small with no leaves, but I know in time it will be full and beautiful.  It was  a special moment because both Josh and I, Hadley, and Landry were apart of planting it.  Josh had flowers waiting for me when I got home today with a sweet note.  There is a neat little park tucked inside Athens with a pond ad a bench that has a plaque that honors babies that have passed away, this was purchased by a group called The Birth Circle.  I have been about every year, it is a peaceful place, a place I go to pray, write to Honor, and just think about Honor.  I was able to sneak away for a few minutes there tonight.  It was such a beautiful sunny warm evening.  I had brought one of the flowers and threw it in the pond, and I sat on the bench and wrote a letter to Honor.  I am thankful for this spot, it is truly a serene place to go and feel like you can be with your baby that you just miss so terribly.  Another thing I always do is wear a special necklace that Josh bought me for Mother's Day after Honor died.  It says on one side - "Expected on Earth Received in Heaven" and on the other side 3-31-09.  Even these are simple things, they are meaningful.  I long for the day that I can hold my sweet Honor in heaven.  I pray that our baby is remembered and cherished always.

Day 217 - My Man Is Home

All feels so right in the world when my husband is home. I know he was only gone for a weekend, but since this weekend didn't start off so well, it seemed much longer.  I am so thankful he had a fun and safe trip this weekend. I am thankful he is back home with us!  Today was a low key day, thankful for my church, thankful for friends who hug you and pray with you.  I am thankful for pedicures given by my sweet daughter and listening to her sing "Let It Go" a million times, the smile on her face while she sings is priceless.  I am thankful that I don't have to do life alone.  God is good.

Day 216 - Rainy Day In

Today was better then yesterday. I was able to get some sleep last night thankfully.  Despite it being cold and rainy outside, it helped me to study a bit more not wishing to be outside.  It is really hard to study and work when it's beautiful out, but thankfully today that wasn't the case.  Today I am thankful for fresh glazed donuts for breakfast, homemade rice crispy treats with extra marshmallows, and a day spent in sweatpants and a sweatshirt.  I am thankful for good friends who have called, emailed, or texted me today.  It helps to know others think about you on the rainy days of life.

Day 215- What.A.Day.

If I am being real on this blog, this day has sucked.  I am an emotional mess.  My sweet son got sick again, very random, and seems fine now, but as always with my Landry boy I worry so much when he is sick, especially now that we are finding out all of these allergies he now has.  However, I am thankful that tonight he is feeling better, praying, praying, he stays healthy.  As I mentioned a few blogs back, I haven't felt good in months, the fatigue and other issues have gotten progressively worse and has sent me to the doctors this week.  Some of the news I found out today sent me into a mess, but I only found out parts of what is going on and will find out more next week.  Of course I find things out today when my son is sick, my husband is out of town, and today is a day where I do not feel good at all.  You ever have those moments where you literally just walk out to your car and cry? Yeah that was me today.  Today was a day that I wish I had a mom to call and ask her to come over and just be with me.  Today was a day where I wish I could have called a friend to come and cry with me, tell me this sucks, eat take out, perhaps watch a chick flick, and then tell me everything will be okay.  Today I wanted to just be hugged from my husband and hear him tell me it will be okay.  I could not do any of the above, which left me feeling pretty lonely.  I had to settle for a phone call to my husband and a friend, which helped a little, but not a lot.
I am not writing this for pitty or to wear my emotions on my sleeve, because even if you know me in the slightest, knows I am definitely not one to get emotional in front of people (which by the way, yeah I did at work today in front of co-workers, embarrassing), I am not one to ask for help or prayer for myself, or to tell the world that my life sucks.  I am writing to say that in the midst of this horrible, emotional melt-down day, I am still thankful.  I am thankful I am seeking the answers to my health issues and will hopefully get it all figured out.  I am thankful for my sweet daughter who is trying so hard to understand why I am extremely tired all of the time and irritable some days.  I am thankful that I have a God who comforts, heals, and loves me in the midst of my emotional messes.

Day 214 - My Sweet Kiddos

I am thankful for the rare sweet moments that I capture between my kiddos.  They are at that age where they constantly fight, yell, scream, hit, you name it, they do it. Their fighting drives me  insane.  However, they can be loving on sweet occasions, like today at Nanny's.  Hadley learned how to play a song on the piano this week and while she was playing for me, Landry climbed up beside her and "played".  I wanted to freeze that moment because they were both smiling, both playing, and there were NO words that resembled any fighting.  I took some great pictures to remember that they do get along on occasion. :)  I am thankful that my kiddos have each other.  I am thankful for precious moments like today.  I am also thankful that I came home around 9:30 after being gone all day and finding a wonderful note with a box full of goodies from Hadley.  God is good like this sometimes, showing me that I am loved in simple ways by my kiddos.

Day 213 - Finding Thankfulness In the Midst of Yuckiness

Today has been an extremely long day.  I am utterly exhausted, feeling run down, and to top it off, my little guy is sick.  As I wrote last week, throw-up seriously sends me into an anxiety frenzy.  So despite this episode, I started thinking and listing what I am thankful for tonight.
1. We have no carpet anywhere in our house - a plus when someone throws-up.
2. He only threw up once (so far) praying that was the only time.
3. Landry perked up and said his tummy didn't hurt anymore afterwards.
4. The hubby and I had a yummy salad from Texas Roadhouse since it was 9pm before we were able to sit down and eat.
5. I found dairy free saltines (seriously crackers have milk-insane) at Kroger's, reason why we had take-out for our 9pm dinner.
6. My husband is a rock star when it comes to our kids being sick.
7. That I have a working washing machine and dryer to wash everything.
8.  Hadley is enjoying some time with her Nanny for spring break, which helps when taking care of a sick kiddo.
9. God is good, even in the midst of yuckiness.

Day 212 - "Sit With Me Mommy" "Watch A Mooovie"

"Sit With Me Mommy" "Watch A Mooovie"  Those two phrases melted my heart and had me stop dead in my cleaning tracks to go and do those two things with my little guy.  He literally says movie - mooovie - and he puckers his little lips as he holds out the o's like the sound a cow makes. I love it! Since Hadley is spending a few days with Nanny and daddy had to work late, little guy and I had the evening to ourselves.  I love this age where he is like a sponge, his little mind is just absorbing everything.  I am thankful for the time I had with my son tonight. I am thankful that I was able to stop cleaning and folding laundry to just sit and hold my guy while we watching his favorite movie with elephants.  I am thankful for his deep belly laughs as he ran through the house chasing Myrtle.  Thankful to see his excitement when he and daddy played airplane.  God is good!

Love his laugh here

What you cant see is Josh wanting Myrtle to get out of his face lol

Day 211- Mommy-Daughter Fun Day

Today was Hadley's first day of Spring Break. I had to take the day off for a Dr.'s appt., so this afternoon it was quality time with my girl! I am thankful for these days, and I can tell making these special times really mean a lot to my girl. We started the day off with going to a movie, followed by shoe shopping, and ending with dinner at our new restaurant that just opened today- Texas Roadhouse! Hadley has literally been counting the days (so have I) as to when this place would open. It was a fun and much needed day with my girl.  I am thankful that she gets so excited to spend one on one time with me, thankful we share common interests, and thankful that she loves to have a good time by laughing! I am thankful that random times during the day she would hug me and say she loves me.  My heart is full tonight.  God is good!

Shoe

 shopping

Modeling her new shoes with a little bit of craziness :)

Day 210- Down Time

Today I am thankful that I was able to have some down time. I was able to watch a show other then cartoons and I was able to take an afternoon nap! It was glorious! Thankful for today!

Day 209- Saturday's

Saturday's usually are always great days.  For most, it is a day to be with family and friends, a day of relaxation.  I am thankful for my morning errands with my sweet girl Hadley.  We enjoyed The Farmer's Market, searching for yard sales, lunch, and Hadley searching for the perfect wallet.  This was her first time understanding the concept of saving money to buy something she really wanted.  She had saved $10 and wanted to find one that of course was cheaper then that.  She made sure to tell me I wasn't allowed to give her any money and that she wanted to buy it all on her own.  It was fun to watch her find one, her excitement when it was only $5.00, and to see her count her change and had the cashier the right amount.  Her being proud of her purchase was an understatement! I am thankful to see her grow up and learn to be more and more independent.  I am thankful for the one on one times with her.  I am also thankful for the beautiful day we had with sunshine and fresh air!  Thankful for Saturdays!

Day 208- The Park - The Park and Icecream!

So excited that it was sunny and temperature was 70 degrees!! Thankful for some fun time with my kids today after work! I'll let the pictures tell the rest of my blog today! God is good!

Day 207 - Thankful My Girl Is Feeling Better

I am incredibly thankful that my sweet girl is feeling much better today.  There is nothing worse than having your child or yourself for that matter, being that sick.  I am thankful for seeing her smile again, and excited to see her play Mine Craft.  I am thankful for the sunshine today.  Thankful for another day of life. God is good!

Day 206 - Thankful For My Husband's Thoughtfulness

One of my worst fears and causes of anxiousness is the stomach bug.  Poor Hadley woke up with it today. I hate seeing her so sick.  I am thankful that my husband works from home so that sometimes when our kids are sick, more so Hadley because she is old enough too, I am still able to go to work.  Throughout the day sweet Hadley would send me texts and pictures (from her daddy's phone) telling me how sick she was and how much she missed me.  My sweet husband knowing how anxious I get when the kids are sick, left me a voice mail to just tell me, it will be okay, we'll all be fine, and that he loves me.  There was no talk of him being disappointed or frustrated with me because I get anxious, it was simply pure love and reassurance.  I am thankful I have a husband who loves me so much, who understands me, who gets me, and who thinks of me and what I may need at a particular moment.  Because of his voice mail, I was able to get through the rest of the day without too much worry and fear.  Thankful for my sweet husband.

Day 205 - Sunshine and Laughter

Today was absolutely gorgeous! When I arrived home from work it was warm (compared to what the weather has been) and the sun was shining! When I pulled in the driveway, my daughter and our neighbor were happily running around outside in the yard. I could hear and see laughter and fun.  One of my favorite things about living where we do is the neighbors friends we have that are next door and across the street.  I love as it gets warmer most often our evenings begin and end in the driveway as the kids and dogs run around and the adults sip on a beverage and engage in conversation. I have missed those during this long winter despite our few meet ups sledding this winter.  I am thankful for how the sun can just lighten anyone's mood and bring so much joy to children and adults, and to dogs too!  I am thankful to be talking to our friends again in our driveways.  I am thankful for our house and our neighborhood that we live in.  God is good!

Day 204 - Forgiveness

Forgiveness - Such a simple yet hard thing to do.  Our small group from church is currently reading/studying a book on marriage and tonight was about forgiveness.  I am so thankful for this word, this action that takes place by God, between husband and wife, and between any relationship one may have.  I could write and write about forgiveness, but tonight I'll just say that I am incredibly thankful that no matter what, God forgives me.  His grace is more than I can comprehend and does not have to be earned or won.  Forgiveness from my husband is truly unbelievable as well.  I am thankful that Josh forgives me daily, I don't have to earn it with him either.  Forgiveness  is a simple word but a word that can make or break a relationship.  I am thankful that I am forgiven daily by my God and by my husband, because Lord knows I am not a perfect wife, I screw up everyday.

Day 203 - Friend Date at Krogers

You know you are good friends and that you are definitely a grown adult when the only time you have to sneak away is to meet at Kroger's to grocery shop! I am in the process in trying a gluten free diet due to health issues I have going on, and since Brittany's husband is also g-free, she offered to offer help in helping me with my first round of g-free shopping.  I am thankful for our friendship.  Thankful that I can text her last minute and we end up hanging out, even if at a grocery store.  I am thankful that she is so willing to help. Thankful for our time together tonight.  Thankful for Brittany and our friendship!  God is good!

Day 202- Yard Saling Has Begun

I am so thankful and happy that it is that time of year again - Spring = yard sales!! This is one of my absolute favorite hobbies and the hubs and I went to a pretty good one today! I love finding great deals and interesting, odd finds.  Today we found some great Easter basket goodies for the kids such as cars for little man and books for my girl.  I am thankful for today, some more alone time with my man, an awesome brunch, yard saling, errands, and my most favorite - SLEEPING IN! Thankful for today!

Day 201 - Date Night

Love, love, love date nights with my man.  My husband is my word for this year, and having more date nights is just one way to honor my commitment for this year.  Date nights with my husband are essential, and I am so thankful for ours tonight. Nothing fancy, nothing spectacular.  Our night was just low key; pizza, Verizon, CVS, and a movie at home.  I love that we both love simple things and simple date nights.  I am incredibly thankful` for my husband, our date nights, and for our family who asks to have our kids and love on them.  I am thankful for this evening of rest and to hang out with my best friend.  God is good!

Day 200 - Food, Hair, Shoes, and Boy Talk

I am so in trouble with my girl! We had a mommy-daughter date tonight and you can guess what she wanted to talk about at dinner - Boys! Her crush! She is only 7 1/2 :) However, I welcomed it, we talked, we laughed, it was girl talk over some yummy BBQ.  She got her hair cut tonight and we went shopping for shoes! Finally my girl is excited to shop! We had fun trying on sparkly, colorful shoes and sandals and she walked out with some cute tourquoise sandals with gold designs on the top! It was super fun to be with her tonight! I had a lot of work and studying to do, plus make a dessert for work tomorrow but instead I decided to put off my work and studying and bought a dessert instead! It felt good! I usually stress out and not enjoy what I am doing, but tonight, I enjoyed  my time with my girl! I am so thankful God blessed me with a daughter.  Thankful for good food, watching her light up as she got her hair cut, shopping for shoes, and even though it scares me, yes, even the boy talk! :) I especially loved the answer to this question, "Hadley, what about (crush's name) personality to like the most?" Hadley," Well, I just think he is handsome. I have never talked to him." They were on the same basketball team and they never talked! Love in second grade...Thankful!

On our way to shop for shoes!

New hair!

Excited to 

Day 199 - Thankfulness

I have been finding myself wishing away this week, which I know one is not suppose to wish away the days.  However, days when my mind and heart are full of anxiousness, I find myself wishing the days away.  It is kind of silly that I somehow think once Friday hits and it is the weekend that somehow my anxiousness will dissipate into the air. I am still thankful though, for the everyday blessings I have.
1. The run of excitement of Landry when I picked him up today and that he said "Hold you, mommy!" And how he hugged me ever so tightly.
2. Girl to girl talks with Hadley - realizing that days she has a hard time when she gets home that it stems from something that seems petty to us as adults but are HUGE to children.
3.  My husband and his appreciation of the dinner I cooked tonight.
4. My husband going grocery shopping, taking Landry, and putting them away so I could get some work/studying done.
5.  Hadley asking me to tuck her in bed, this doesn't happen much anymore since she is almost 8 yrs old :/
6.  That God loves me despite my mess.

Day 198 of Thankfulness - Laughter Is Good For the Soul

Some days the silliness of Hadley drives me absolutely crazy to the point she often gets into trouble and has to face consequences.  However, today, I welcomed it, well, after after she got in trouble once, but then I did.  Today was a rather disappointing day, this week has been full of a lot of anxiety for me, and laughter was good medicine.  I am thankful that Hadley often sees the not so serious side of life; she is always being funny, likes to make up jokes, and rarely likes to be serious.  While this does often lead to her getting into trouble for disobeying, I do think she is on to something. I take like too serious more so than I let loose and just laugh.  Laughter can get you through a lot of things, and for that I am grateful.  I need to learn more from Hadley; embracing life, enjoying life, and laugh.  Thankful for the ways God teaches me things through my kids.  Hadley's laugh is infectious among our family, especially Landry.  She will do something silly and Landry will just laugh and continue laughing at whatever anyone says, it's priceless.  Thankful for laughter.  Thankful for my kiddos and all the silliness and laughter they bring into our house.  God is good!

Day 197 - Mommy, You are Boot-i-ful

Four precious words came from my sweet little guy tonight - "Mommy, you are boot-i-ful!" I had just taken my contacts out and washed the make-up off of my face, had a headband in my hair, which means I wasn't looking my best.  I had bent down to tell Landry good night and he grabbed my face and said those beautiful four words and then planted a big kiss on my lips! So thankful for my babies kind and loving heart and his words tonight. It truly made my night.  God is good!

Day 196 - Communion

Today was a bit of an emotional day for me.  The church that I attended growing up and even attended most of my adult life, communion was served every Sunday.  Only people who accepted Christ and were baptized could take it.  When we started attending Central here in Athens last year, it took some getting used to only taking communion once a month.  I do not believe either way is wrong or right as far as how often.  I will say taking it once a month rather then weekly has helped me not take the meaning for granted and I take this time more seriously then I did when I took it weekly.  However, the bigger difference for me was that at Central, anyone can take communion, children, baptized or not.  Many of the children take it there and Hadley has been asking to take it as well.  Communion is not to be taken lightly, it is such a contemplative, serious moment between a person and God.  Josh and I talked a lot about whether we should let Hadley take it.  We both felt the maturity wasn't there as to really understanding it, so we had her wait.  She kept persisting on taking it, and today Josh let her.  We walked up, she watched her dad take it, she took it, I took it, and while I watched her take the bread and the juice and she listened to the people serving it, I couldn't help but tear up.  We walked back to our seats and she sat on her daddy's lap and he explained what we did and what we do when we come back to our seats, which is to pray, reflect, think about what Jesus did for us on the cross. I looked over and she had her eyes tightly closed, hands folded, she was praying.  As I was sitting there at first wondering if she really is "ready" to take it, I realized that and asked myself if I really "get it".  I mean, really, the vastness of God is something that we can probably never fully grasp.  I am in need of my Saviour every single day, coming before Him taking communion is something that reminds me of what He did for me.  How am I any different from my 7 1/2 yr. old daughter? She is in need of our Saviour, she knows that He died for her.  At that moment, I stopped questioning our parenting on if we did the right thing.  Instead, I thanked God for this moment, thanked Josh for being such an amazing father who knows just what to do and say at just the right time.  I was overwhelmed with emotion.  I am thankful for this moment in church today.  I later asked Hadley what she thought about communion today, at first as any child would say, "I thought it tasted good."  :) She then said, "I prayed and thanked Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins."  My heart is full and for that I am thankful.

195...Walking On Sunshine

Yay for sunshine! Yay for warmer weather! Yay for no gloves, heavy coats, scarves, etc.! I am so thankful that I was outside playing with my kiddos and our puppy this afternoon. I am thankful to actually feel hot from the sun shining.  There is something about being outside, running around with a puppy and kids, hearing them laugh and scream, and feeling the wind in your face that will enhance your mood. Thankful for today and all the joy I was able to embrace.

Day 194...Bedtime at 9pm

I evidently was extremely thankful to lay down at 9pm, because I never woke up. I layed down just for a minute (or so I thought) after getting the kids to bed, and was intending to get back up to write my blog and grab something to eat, but that didn't happen.  I obviously needed the sleep, so for last night, I am thankful for the early bedtime and the long hours of sleep!

193...Thankful To Be A Teacher

Despite this being a very long day at work with conferences, it was a fulfulling day. I absolutely love my job as a teacher.  I have truly grown attached to each student, even the ones who are very challenging.  I am thankful for the challenges, the fun, the laughs, and that each student has their own unique personality.  I am thankful that each and every day I have the opportunity to touch a students life, not just academically, but emotionally, socially, and mentally.  My heart is full, and I am so thankful for this career as a teacher.

Day 192...Heavy Hearted Day

Remembering someone that you lost is never a light hearted thing.  Today sort of felt like this cloud looming over my head.  I was very busy all day and my day began at 1:30 am when little man woke up, then after he went back to sleep, I couldn't. My mind would not stop thinking about my mom, wondering how I could honor her today, wishing I could go to her grave.  I of course went to school, which is always insanely busy, not allowing much time to reflect or think.  After work it is always a zoo with coming home, homework, cleaning, dinner, and tonight Hadley had youth group and we had Ash Wednesday service at church.  It has been constant all day.  There is just an ache in my heart that longs to see my mom and to hear her voice, but I know that won't happen until I see her in heaven.  Today I am thankful that I am able to think about my mom.  I am thankful that my husband is one of the most thoughtful people in this world - he sent me beautiful white roses to school to let me know he was thinking of me on this hard day.  I am thankful that I get to be a mother to Hadley and Landry on this earth, and a mother to Honor someday in heaven.

Day 191...Remembering

All day I have been contemplating, remembering, and also dreading tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be two years since my mom passed away.  I have been thinking about her, who she was, memories of growing up, wondering how her last days on earth were spent since she died suddenly.  I have been contemplating how I will celebrate and remember her life tomorrow.  I wish I could visit her grave. I did this last year and it some how just felt peaceful, as if I could still be with her.  I decided not to take the day off of work and drive the 2 hrs to do so tomorrow, and now I am feeling a little out of sorts, or as if I am not respecting her by not going.  I still want to honor her in some way tomorrow, think of her and remember the good times, just not sure how yet. There is so much involved with my mom and our relationship, it wasn't the typical Brady Bunch mother-daughter bond.  However, God has been so good in revealing the joyous moments growing up, her positive qualities, and mostly how her struggles were not a reflection of her love for me as I had grew up believing.  I am thankful for what God has taught me over the past 2 yrs. I am thankful that through all of the heart wrenching pain, there is joy.  I am thankful for my mom and that I am able to remember her tomorrow.

I know that I posted this last year, but she hated to have her picture taken, therefore I do not have many. This is my favorite. She is celebrating her 50th birthday June 2009 and my sweet Hadley is just 2 yrs. old smiling at her.

Day 191...Thankful for Catching Up With My Brother

I was very happy to see that my brother was calling me tonight when my phone rang.  It had been awhile since we've talked.  We both are crazy busy with our kiddos, work, family, and just the craziness of life.  I am thankful for my brother and that we now have a relationship that is more like great friends.  Growing up we fought all-the-time! I am thankful we can talk just about anything, thankful we can pick up right where we left off.  I am thankful that I am blessed to have a brother. God is good!

190 Days of Thankfulness....Cake for Breakfast Right Out of the Pan

Eating cake out of the pan for breakfast with my girl was a great way to start my day!  I loved seeing the confused look on Hadley's face when I asked her if she wanted cake for breakfast, followed by telling her to eat it right out of the pan.  Sometimes you just have to break the rules.  I am thankful for little moments with my girl.  I am thankful for quality time with my man today as we watched another movie while the kiddos napped today.  Thankful for this day.

Day 189 - Retail & Movie Therapy

When disappointment and the overwhelming of life strikes, a little retail therapy and movie time with my man can do my soul some good.  I am thankful for the one thing I purchased for myself today, a wallet for $3.00, I don't really like it, but I needed a new one and this one was soooo cheap.  The rest of what I bought was for my kiddos; can't beat winter clothes for 2 and 3 bucks for next year.  Meandering through the stores today was what I needed to take my mind off things for a bit, and buying clothes for my kids (extremely cheap; which is a thrill to me) cheered me up.  Thankful for that time today to myself.  I am extremely grateful for my alone time with my man, watching a movie after the kiddos went to bed.  Watching a movie these days are few and far between, now I am just hoping I can stay awake through it.  Despite the bad, there is always the good in every day.  I am also thankful to have watched my girl play her last basketball game today. It has been such a joy to watch her play and how she has grown from the beginning of the season until now.  I especially loved that she had fun playing, which is all that really counts.

My girl #14 ready to play 

Landry playing cars during half time

Intently watching her team play while taking a break