Day 239 - Target Therapy, Windows Rolled Down and Singing Random Songs Loudly In The Car

I am so thankful I am in my own bed since I left at 6:30 am and it is now 10:50pm, I'm wiped.  After a nearly 3 hour intense doctors appointment, since I was close to a Target, I decided to stop in and do a little retail therapy.  There is something about trying on new clothes, looking at fun purses, and of course looking for something for my kiddos that can brighten a persons mood.  I happily walked out with a few shirts,and a fun dress.  My drive home was an hour long, the sun was setting, and the air was nice and cool, so I decided to put my music on shuffle, roll the windows down and sing.  Singing always brings me joy, and so tonight as I was driving; Whitney Houston, Sugarland, Taylor Dayne, Todd Agnew, Pink, and other randomness played in my car.  Thankful for a chance to unwind and thankful for retail therapy.

Day 238 - Resurrection Day = Hope

I am incredibly thankful for this beautiful day that God gave us today. It was warm, sunny, and beautiful.  Today is such an important day - Easter - Resurrection of Jesus.  The sermon today was one of the most simple, yet it spoke directly to my heart, it was a beautiful message.  I have so much that I want to write about in how the sermon really spoke to me today, but it's late, and I am beyond exhausted so I will unpack that tomorrow.  I will let the pictures speak for my thankfulness of today.  Happy Easter! God is good.

 As soon as Hadley put on her dress; Landry said, "Let's dance." Melted my heart.

 Love that smile of my girl

 They were saying the Prince and Princess were dancing

 Their favorite game - MONSTER

 My sweet babies

 On the church steps - Landry's new "cheese" grin

 Family photo

Landry's favorite toy from his Easter gift from Nanny/Pappaw - every time he flipped the bunnies he would laugh so hard - thankful I captured that face

Day 237- Family Day- Celebrating My Grandma's Birthday On The Farm

Today was a sweet day spent with my family.  I haven't seen my grandparents or my brother and his family since Christmas. I love going back "home" in the country on the farm, so peaceful and beautiful. I also was able to see a special friend and one of my "moms" growing up. I am so thankful for days where I can spend time with people I cherish, but rarely get to see.  I am thankful and so blessed that my grandparents are alive and healthy and we were able to celebrate my grandmas 79th birthday. She's such a strong and beautiful lady who has also and still plays a big role in my life. Thankful for a day where my kids could run around with their cousins.  Blessed.

My brother, grandma, and I

Absolutely hysterical watching these two cruise around

Precious

My nephew Lukey and I

Happy birthday grandma

Amazing view

Beautiful sky at sunset on the farm

Snuggles with great-grandma

My kiddos with Pappaw Randy

Day 236- Baking Chocolate Cake Late Tonight With My Girl

I am thankful for this beautiful day. I have a love/hate relationship with Spring. I love that all is new.  There are new trees, new flowers, green grass, new hope as we celebrate Easter.  I hate Spring because there are new trees, flowers blooming, and grass growing because it makes me feel miserable.  The lovely itchy eyes, nose, face, throat, stuffed up, coughing, and this year a horrible sore throat.  However, after spending a little bit of time outside this afternoon with my girl walking our puppy and walking by the river looking at the cherry blossom trees that are almost in bloom.  I figure my girl is worth it. :)  That being said, since I was outside, I then began to feel horrible with an incredible headache and ready for bed.  Tomorrow we are going to visit my grandparents, dad, and my brother and his family.  Last weekend my grandma turned 79 and so I told Hadley we should make her a made from scratch chocolate cake.  The evening slipped away and it was 10pm, which meant I was utterly exhausted and not in the mood to make a cake.  I had suggested that we not make the cake tonight but she insisted and just literally wanted to spend some time her me; her momma baking a cake.  It was lovely.  She was measuring, cracking eggs, stirring, and of course, licking the batter.  When we were finished, she gave me a huge hug and told me how fun it was to bake this cake together and that she really loved me.  Melted my heart.  I am so glad and thankful that we stayed up and baked this cake.  Blessed to have my Hadley girl.

Day 235- The Road of Discouragement and Doubt

This post will not seem as "thankful" as it probably should, but again, I am going to be real.  Sometimes I wish that God would just lay out a few things in black and white.  You know, those few things in life that we are trying to achieve or trying to just get through life.  I know the gut reaction from church people would be, well that is where faith comes in. Duh, I know this.  However, that doesn't make anyone feel better nor does it help in the moment to figure out "God's plan." I have always been the person who has control of life, everything planned out, and will achieve a goal no matter what.  However, lately all of this has not happened and it really has created a lot of anxiety and stress.  Again, I know, I shouldn't try to be in control and I should let God, but that has been incredibly tough for me lately.  This beloved test I have been studying and trying to pass for a year - that is right A WHOLE YEAR!!! It is annoying, frustrating, and probably the first time in my life where I am not achieving something that I want/need so badly and have been working incredibly hard at.  It has not only caused me stress but has effected my family, friends, and my relationship with God.  I literally have felt like a hamster on a wheel, going and going with no end in sight - exhausted.  As I reflect back over this year there has been many joyous occasions - I graduated from OU with my master's degree, we have figured out a lot of questions and medical issues with Landry, my daughter continues to do so well in school, and my husband continues to grow in his job.  I landed my first real teaching job and absolutely love it! I am incredibly grateful for all of these things.
However, sometimes those blessings can become cloudy when life hits us with road blocks.  I have hit many many road blocks as I mentioned above this test and now my health.  I haven't written a lot about it because well, truthfully I am still getting used to this "being real" thing and there hasn't been any answers.  I have been feeling incredibly exhausted, like to the point where I nearly fall asleep driving to and from work, could literally lay my head down and sleep at any given moment of the day and that is with any amount of sleep I may get.  There are other things going on and I have had a few ultra sounds, an MRI, and other tests and still no results. I am not wanting something to be wrong, but I know there is, and again I want to fix it. I am tired of not having any energy to enjoy life.  This is where I know I need to trust God but my faith is like shifting sand right now.  I do not like where I am at spiritually, I am trying to work my way through it, it's hard.  So while I am on this cloudy journey of doubt and discouragement I am still hanging on to the fact that God loves me unconditionally no matter what, there is some peace in that. I do hope that I can find my way out of this black hole I am in.  I feel as if me being a wife, a mother, a friend, and just being "me" is off track - I am trying to have it all together, keep the house stuff together - bills, laundry, meals, shopping, cleaning - and it's not together - I have missed bills, haven't really cooked at all, had to have someone help clean, and rarely have the essentials of groceries stocked in our pantry. I have missed out on some q/t time with my kids, it sucks.
Perhaps God is telling me that I can't be super woman, I can't do it all and that it is okay.  Knowing, accepting, and living that are all completely different.  I am nowhere near accepting or living it.  I feel after this test in a few weeks and I pass, I can breathe again, and will be able to focus on life like I did prior to this test.  Perhaps, I am kidding myself and need to learn it now in the mess of my life.  I know life will never be easy, there will always be roadblocks, but this is one road block that would remove so much stress and anxiety and maybe even get rid of my health issues I am having.  I don't have the answers, I don't know the outcome of my test or my health. I still have to keep moving, try to find the words to pray and ask for God's leading, and still find joy every single day of my life.
If you have read this far, many thanks. I know that some who read my blogs may think it is ridiculous that I write about such personal issues or that I am looking for sympathy or recognition.  I am not.  If this offends anyone or causes anyone to shy away from talking to me or just sharing life with me, then I guess I have to accept that and move on. I have noticed people tend to not know how to "deal" with others are are open and real, they are uncomfortable because that means, really they are going to have to be vulnerable and real at some point as well, in order for that relationship to grow.  I still have trouble with that, but through this blog, I have over come a lot of fear in this.
Love to all who are sticking with me, praying for me, and just doing life with me.  I am thankful for you.

Day 234 - Thankfulness

What I am thankful for today:
Sunshine
Blooming trees and flowers
Landry hugging me tightly when I picked him up today
Landry calling me either "mom mom" or "mommy cynda"
Hadley sitting on my lap telling me about her bad day with her best friend
My husband going grocery shopping while I studied
Cherry pie
Hot tea
My pillow

Day 233 - Comfort Food

Sometimes after a draining day physically, mentally, and emotionally, comfort food is necessary.  I am growing weary of all the medical tests, waiting for results, reading results that scare the crap out of me, waiting for the Dr. to call, and wanting to feel better.  So tonight I am thankful I was able to rest, thankful for chicken and noodles for dinner, and for peach cobbler for dessert.  I feel beat down some days, but I know that God still has a hold of me and for that I am thankful as well.