Day 246 - Take My Life (And Let It Be)

As I sit here trying to take deep breaths, to breathe, to not let anxiousness over take my thoughts, I am listening to this song we sang at church yesterday.  The chorus mostly,
Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for Thee
I keep going back to listen over and over.  It has a beautiful sound with a pretty girls echo on it, I love to hear and to sing it.  I am not sure why this particular song has come to me tonight as I lay and worry about things, but it brings me comfort.  I tried to post the link so anyone that wanted to could click and listen, but I couldn't get it to work.  I highly recommend going to you tube and putting in Chris Tomlin's Take My Life, insanely beautiful.  Thankful that music can bring comfort, thankful I have this prayer to pray - "Stay with me Jesus."

Take My Life (And Let It Be)
VERSE1:
Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
VERSE2:
Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King
Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold
Take my intellect and use every power as You choose
CHORUS:
Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for Thee
VERSE3:
Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine
Take my heart it is Thine own it shall be Thy royal throne
Take my love, my Lord I pour at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee

Day 245 - Beautiful

Today was beautiful in so many ways.  Hearing my sweet boys voice, "Morning Mommy" despite it being 6am on a Sunday.  Church was beautiful.  We were able to hear college students who attended Central and were graduating.  One of the things they shared was how Central impacted them.  The things they said were so encouraging about what this church is about = loving people, the community, sharing the gospel, and having community and real relationships within the church.  The songs were sang today- beautiful.
On my way to study, I decided to take a short drive at Strouds Run which is a beautiful lake with hiking trails, it was just about a 15 min. drive, but with the windows down and music playing, it was beautiful to capture the trees blooming.  My day of studying was beautiful as I sat outside feeling the cool breeze and looking out at the green grass, flowers, and saying hi to a few people I knew as they walked passed.  And this may sound odd, but I feel like I am starting to feel prepared for this test as I went through what seemed like hundreds of questions today (pretty close), it felt beautiful.
When I walked into my messy home with a sink full of dishes, the dining room table cluttered, and muddy paw prints all over the floor, my first reaction was that tightening in my chest of panic, but I quickly took deep breaths and calmed myself.  I reminded myself that life is absolutely insane at the moment, and my first priority is to pass this dang test.  I then decided to tackle about five loads of clean laundry that needed folded, and managed to wash a few loads, even though those will likely lay in baskets or stay in the dryer until I get a second to fold them, it's okay.  All of these things are beautiful as well; it means we have clothes to wear, a house to live in, dogs to love and love us, and food to eat off of those dishes.  Every second of today was beautiful.  During the moments of stress, uncertainty I had today I tried to pray, "Stay with me Jesus in my mess."

Day 244 - Believing - Worth

As I was sitting at my "second" home for 12+ hours today, I came across this quote.  I know that many of us struggle with this belief, especially moms.  The reason I say moms is because I think as moms we criticize other women/moms so much, we compare ourselves way too much, and we carry the weight of not only our crap on our shoulders but our children, husbands, friends, jobs, the dogs, the house, you name it, we carry it.  We can easily lose our self in taking care of others and we forget that we, our self, are worth it.  We forget that all of our energy, sweat, and many many tears we put into our life whether it be as a person who is single and works, a mom who works at home or a mom who works outside the home, that we really wonder sometimes - is what I am doing worth it?  For myself, I am always asking- The things I say, do, teach, love, pray, for my children - is it worth it? Are they learning and growing to be people that love God with all of their hearts and will be loving and kind to every single person they meet in their lives? Will they ever become unselfish and think of others always before themselves? 

Is all the work of writing lesson plans, praying and worrying if my students are safe and feeling loved when they walk in my classroom and when they go home at night, the grading of countless papers, meetings, being personally attacked by parents, co-workers, studying for state tests, preparing the students to pass their state tests - Is it all worth it?

When marriage, family, and  friendships get hard, really hard - is it worth it? 

Yes - it is. To every single question of doubt - there is that dreaded word again, that so lovingly makes its presence known a lot in my life lately.  God has placed me, and He has placed you in the life He has planned, that makes it worth it.  The hard part is truly believing that.  I am thankful that I came across this quote today, I needed this reminder.  It is sometimes hard to believe that our self -worth can only come from Christ, no one or no where else.  We tend to search for it in other ways, those may be temporary but not eternal like it is found in Christ.  I am thankful that I am worth it, this life is worth it. I pray that I can just believe it, I am still praying - "Stay with me Jesus, stay with me in my mess of doubt."  

This scripture has always been a favorite - reminds me that God did create us each individually.  Thank you God for your comforting words. 

Psalm 139: 13-16

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.    
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

Day 243 - Thankful

I am thankful for...
1. Beautiful stars in the night sky
2. Long talks with friends
3. Iced tea
4. Spurts of relaxation
5. My son telling me that the flower I colored with him today was "bootiful"
6. The cool crisp night air
7. Learning more history facts ( I am serious about this one)
8. It is Friday
9. Finding a random piece of paper in a notebook that my mom wrote on
10. God's patience while I am trying to pray "Stay with me"

Day 242- Stay With Me

"Stay with me Jesus" has been a prayer that I've been trying to pray this week. One of the best sermons I heard was this past Sunday on Easter and that was the prayer that Paul our pastor encouraged us to pray. Since it was Easter, of course the sermon was about The Resurrection, but a piece from scripture that Paul unpacked was something I've not heard before.  After Jesus died on the cross no one knew that He would resurrect including the disciples, nor Mary. Of course I took notes with scripture references and have lost the paper and I can't remember the exact scripture verse I'm looking for (go figure), but the main passage is Luke 24.  So you could imagine the dreadful walk of sorrow that the everyone endured. During this walk, a man appeared who was Jesus, but no one recognized Him.  I thought to myself, "How could they not recognize Jesus?" Paul helped us imagine it a bit by comparing that walk of grief to any of us who have experienced grief and how you are so deep in it that you can barely notice what is going on around you. Wow! How true, I could very much relate.  All the while when they thought Jesus wasn't with them, He was. He was walking right behind them, and it wasn't until later when they finally recognized Him that they remembered "Did not our hearts burn within us while he talked to us on the road?" (Verse 32)

I have been writing a lot about my struggle - doubt. Paul reminded us on Sunday that Jesus is always with us, even in the crappy part of life, even when we doubt and we may not know what He is up to in our life until later and then we look back and say, "Oh, yeah, now I see what God was doing." 

In Luke 24:29, before they realized that "that man" was Jesus, they were going to stop for the night as it was getting dark and Jesus was going further , they said, "Stay with us.."  Sometimes we - I just need to tell God- "Stay with Me- Please just stay with ME. I know You are doing something in my life, even in this messy doubtful time, and I just need to trust YOU. "

I have prayed this prayer a few times this week, but it's amazing how hard it is to just say those three little words.  When you pray them, it's giving up control and resting in Him.  I am not a good "rester" that isn't even a real word, but it is true. I am struggling to lay at His feet, I am struggling to say those three powerful words.  

I am thankful for this promise that Jesus speaks about. I am thankful that I can cling to this hope.  I am thankful for Paul and his heart and listening to what God wants him to share to His people. I pray that I can pray more this week every time I am anxious, worried, angry, sad, and when I'm doubting. 

"Stay with me Jesus, please just stay with me."

Day 241- Snapshots

I am thankful for the precious snapshots that I am able to get of my kiddos.  Random photos of them doing their everyday things, are so much more precious then the "posed" everyone sit still and smile photos.    I am thankful that both of my kids love to laugh and love to smile.  Thankful I was able to capture their laughs today in our silly photos.

Day 240- Death Really Sucks

I have found after losing a baby and a mother that there really are no words to describe losing someone other than it SUCKS.  I went to a visitation of my principle's father who passed away tonight, and it brought back a lot of emotions/feelings of when I lost my mom.  This was the first time I have went to a visitation since losing my mom.  If someone has never lost a parent, they truly have no clue what it feels like.  When I try to think of the positives in this type of situation, it is that I hope that in some way I can help comfort the ones who are hurting, whether they are words or no words, a presence, prayer, or serving them in some way.  I think that since I've been through this, I have a different approach or am more cautious about what I say to those who lose someone.  This blog is suppose to be about what I am thankful for each day.  Today I am thankful that death reminds me that life is short and that we need to love people every single day.  Please lift up this family in your prayers.