Remembering My Mom

March 5, 2013 was the 1 yr anniversary of  my mom passing away. I didn't know quite what to expect, or feel even on this day.  My sweet husband took the day off of work to just be with me, which meant more to me than anything.  I had decided that I wanted to visit her grave, I guess you could say, it was  a way where I felt close to her and something that perhaps would make her feel loved.
Her grave is a little over 2 hrs away, but Josh didn't mind.  After getting my daughter off to school, and taking my son again to the Dr. and then settled in with some of his favorite people (Nanny and Pappaw) we took off.  Before going the cemetery, we were able to meet my dad and my grandparents for lunch.  This was something nice and again, helped to be with family on this particular day. We didn't talk about my mom, but just being together helped.
As we left to go to the cemetery, it of course started raining and it was cold, it added to the weariness of the day.  I wasn't sure what one is suppose to do when you visit people's graves so as I was driving there I was thinking of what should I do, say,or do I say or do anything?
We pulled in and I turned to Josh and asked him," Well,I am not sure what to do? I should've brought her flowers, why didn't I do that?" He ever so sweetly said, "It's okay that you didn't bring flowers, and I don't think there is anythings specific you have to do."
So we both got out in the cold pouring rain, and just stood there looking at her grave. We talked a little about her, but mostly stood there quietly.  I began to think about all the things I have learned from my mom.  The one thing that stood out was her prayers.  She had kept prayer journals for as long as I can remember, and I remember as a young child, sneaking into her room and reading them. I of course know, that is completely wrong but I was a child and curious to what my mom wrote.  She would always write to God, praying, and laying all of her hurts, wants, needs, all of it, no holding back.    
I didn't think too much of it then, but thought I was kind of getting to know my mom a little bit better when I read them.
When she passed away last year, I had found just a few journals that were with her Bible and again, they were all prayers to God.  I thought, wow, God must have been proud of her for completely laying out everything to Him. That is what He wants us to do.
Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
My mom did just that, ALWAYS.
Due to the unique relationship I had with my mom, I sometimes focus too much on the areas that I wish were different but yesterday as I was looking at her grave, it was as if God was gently telling me, "What special things did you learn from your mom, what can you take away from her life?"  That is what I did.  Thinking back on her prayers, she reminded me of David who wrote many of the Psalms in the Bible and many of those were David pouring his heart out to God. Again, this is what God wants us to do. I thought it was totally a God thing that just this past Sunday, the sermon at church was about God's role and how He is our Father.  A father's role is many things: protector, guides you, plans for you and most importantly has a real relationship with their children.  All of these are how we should see  God because He is our heavenly Father and we need to run to Him with everything.  Our Pastor said it best when he was telling us how to approach God, when we pray it should come out as "Bleh......." spilling our guts, telling Him everything, our hurts, fears, joys, even when we don't have it figured out, He will and does.  The cool thing is, my mom did just that.
I need to be more like her in this area.  I tend to hold things back when I pray to God, which is really silly since He already knows every aspect of my life anyways.
As we left her grave, I had mixed emotions.  I was sad because I truly miss her and wish I could hear her voice and talk to her about many many things.  I felt some peace knowing she isn't hurting anymore, and also a sense of joy after God revealed to me about what I can learn from her.
I still have many many regrets and would give anything to have done things differently when she was still alive.  My heart literally still aches at times when I think about her. I still get angry at things that have happened between us.  It is amazing of how many different waves of emotions, feelings, and things a person has to go through during grief, and that time really doesn't make it any easier.  I know that it will take a very long time to deal with everything, in fact, I may never get it all sorted out.  However, I am glad I have a heavenly Father who absolutely loves me and wants me to come to Him with every emotion and feelings I have.  Thank you mom, for being an example of doing just that. Love and miss you immensely.

This is a picture of my mom and Hadley (3) celebrating my moms birthday in 2009.

Blah....

Today was just as the title read; Blah! It seemed everything I tried to accomplish today either took me a million tries or didn't work at all. These days happen to many of us and by the end of the day, it leaves a person especially this gal completely and utterly exhausted.
My day didn't necessarily start off bad but as soon as I sat at my desk to work on my Master's paper among other paper work, things started to not work out so well.  I tried to print off important papers which then the printer wouldn't print, then I missed the mail man when I tried to mail important documents, and as I was typing I kept messing up and things weren't flowing.

I decided after a few hours of working that I should heat up some lunch which I was excited about since it was left over pizza from my favorite place and some yummy new organic chips that I just purchased.   I thought I'd relax and watch a little TV while I ate lunch before I went back up to my office.  Well....I gathered my food, sat in my favorite chair only to find out there was no remote to be found for the TV. I got up, looked EVERYWHERE no remote, I go to use the old fashioned buttons on the TV and those kept messing up as well....I finally get it on sit down and well those organic chips were in a "green" bag which meant you had to use scissors to open, it wouldn't just rip open like normal bags. You get the picture, I know these things are petty, but it was just adding to my Blah day.

Instead of boring you with the details about the remainder of my day I'll just list them:

- went to prep my turkey dinner - thought I bought a turkey breast - instead it was a whole turkey (not a fan of the dark meet)
- not a fan of cleaning the inside parts out of that turkey, and pulling feathers off..grosss....finally got it in the oven
-worked again on my stuff, printer still wouldn't print
- tried to pay bills online - after putting in all the info, a big flash of orange letters on the screen - ERROR - try again later....grrr..Really?
-still getting over a sinus infections of over 3 wks..which means I am tired, still feel a little crappy
- High light of my day - BFF calls me - always makes my heart happy
- daughter gets off the bus - series of back talking, etc. etc. - ends up in her room, her fav things taken away...drama
- checked on the turkey - the little red thingy popped up to say it is done, looks done so I turn off the oven keep it in there to stay warm until the hubs and little man comes home
- start dinner - over steam the broccoli - smelled gross...
- had hubby buy a meat thermometer to make sure turkey is done, comes home we check it, turkey NOT DONE - mean while everything else was ready for dinner except for the turkey -
- Need I go on...So needless to say, I felt like I have failed at everything I tried to attempt today!

At 7pm I was ready to call it a day and hit the sack. We all know that doesn't happen when you have precious kiddos...but there were precious moments the rest of the evening that took away the blahs for a little while.  The sound of my kids singing and laughing at the dinner table, all of us sharing what our favorite thing of the day was and the worst part of our day.  The loud splashes and giggles during bath time, and the snuggles and kisses at bed time.  But there is one part of the day that gets my heart every time and that is our prayer time. I am thankful that Josh started this tradition of how we pray after Landry was old enough to walk around....we all go into Hadley's room, and instead of laying in her bed to pray like we used to, we all kneel, close our eyes, and fold our hands.  There is something about kneeling before God and seeing a 2  and a 6 yr old doing this too.  While we pray, I sneak and open my eyes to see my little guy closing his eyes so so tightly and folding his hands with his elbows on the side of the bed, and watching my 6 yr old say the prayers.  One of these days I want to take a picture and capture this precious moment.  These are the moments that can turn your Blah days into good ones!

God is good and I am blessed with my life!

Unspeakable Joy in the Midst of Worry and Anxiety

Unspeakable joy...words that I long to not only hear but words that I long to actually live by.  Many people confuse the words joy and happiness to be the same thing, but they are not. Happiness is something that is reached by short term achievements, it is not lasting and is often filled by possessions, people, events, careers, etc. you get the picture. Joy...joy is something that is ever lasting, it is not attainable by short term goals, people, careers, or possessions.  Joy is attained by only one person and that is God.  Joy is a life style.     Our church has finished up a series on Rejoicing and today the sermon was taken from Philippians 4:4-7 - a passage that I am pretty familiar with, have heard and read many times, but not until today did it hit me like it did.  I wont attempt to tell you exactly what our pastor said, even if I did, I wouldn't do it near as well but I would like to share a few of the main words that hit me.
Being a Christian and not having joy do not go together. Wow! What?! For those of you who have read my previous posts, you know joy is something I have struggled with. I am still pondering these words as I write this, it's a lot to take in.
This last part was written 10 days ago...I was struggling to write so I left it at that..now fast forward 10 days..
Jan.22, 13
I have had 10 days to ponder those words I stated above - Being a Christian and not having joy do not go together.  I have played that over and over in my head, I have thought things like whoa..man for all of these years maybe I haven't been a real Christian, then God brought me to reality and reminded me of His grace and that always no matter what, He is molding and shaping us. However, I have been missing out on a huge thing that God has been trying to show me all of these years and that is His JOY!
These past 10 days I have been more intentional of seeking joy in my everyday life, and I wont lie it is hard, especially when for me, it's a struggle to keep my head above water sometimes.  I have been intentional about going to God right when I start to feel anxious and stressed, I have put on worship music during the most stressful times of the day such as getting the kids up, fed, and taken to school or the babysitters, fixing dinner, and cleaning - there is seriously something about listening to positive music that can keep seeping joy into ones soul.
I have made an effort to also share with certain people I can trust in my life such as my husband and a few of my good friends where I can say hey, "today I'm struggling, I'm stressed, anxious, please pray for me" or send a quick text and just saying it out loud, knowing I'm being prayed for at that very moment, and that I am not in this alone can make or break me.
I am currently reading a new book which God has most definitely placed in my life at a very very good time and no doubt it's a coincidence, Desperate Hope for the Mom that Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. Holy cow is this book amazing. It is a book written from a normal everyday mom who struggles with finding joy, digging herself out of depression, and trying to find hope in being a great mom and wife of God.  Sarah and her mentor share their letters they wrote back and forth to support each other.  This book also talks about the importance of moms having rich and true friendships, finding a mentor, and being a mentor.  How cool that I found this book after I just wrote about relationships being one of my goals for this year!?
It is amazing to say the least of how God is truly helping me find my joy in Him over this past week or so.  Something that I am not good at is asking for help, and sadly asking for prayer.  One thing that I love about our church is that every Sunday anyone can go up during the last song to receive prayer from someone who has been trained to pray over people.  Every Sunday I am amazed at the boldness of mostly college students but others too that walk up and receive prayer.  I knew that the Sunday the sermon was on Joy that God was telling me to go up and receive prayer. I wont lie, I was shaking, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I even asked my husband if the thought it would be okay to ask for it, not that I needed his permission, but I guess I felt like a failure for even thinking about going up, let alone actually doing it.  His sweet words of encouragement and the squeezing of his hand on mine gave me the courage I needed to walk up there.  I felt  a sense of relief while I was being prayed for and a sense of Joy I guess you could say that hey, I can beat this thing and I can truly experience Joy in my life.
And God has been blessing me with so many instances, reminders, and truths through people, His Word, His songs, my kids, my husband over the past 10 days...I feel like for the first time in my life, I am beginning to experience His real JOY - Hallelujah!
One more thing and I promise I am done with this novel blog. One very good example of experiencing His Joy was tonight in my home. First, I walk in to find my sweet babies on the floor laughing at Oobi - my daughter laying on her stomach with my son sitting on top of her and would randomly bend down and stroke her hair and kiss her head = JOY and 2nd- we just got home from eating out since it was kids eat free at the mexican joint, I had already told my 6yr that when we came home she had to pick up the playroom and she happily responded okay!  Well, we arrived home it's time for a bath and bed and I reminded her that she needed to clean the play room and that she had 10 min. to do so..she started whining, talking back and I started to use my stern voice and then quickly decided..hmm, lets try a different approach and see what happens -  I found "Party in the USA" and "Love Shack" on my phone, grabbed her pink flashlight, threw on her "Jessie" cowgirl hat and began singing and dancing and told her I was putting on a concert for her while she cleaned!! She laughed, danced, and cleaned and we ended it with doing the Cha Cha slide = pure Joy for both her and myself! This will be a memory that I will always remember and hopefully she will too!
A song that has been playing over and over in my head - Joy, Unspeakable Joy - by Chris Tomlin
I pray you all begin experiencing His Joy as well!

New Year, New Goals, and finding God's New Mercies Everyday

It is eight days into the New Year, it seems as a person gets older the faster time seems to go.  A lot of people make New Year's resolutions this time of year, but I like to set goals instead of "resolutions", goals seem more achievable to me I guess.  As my husband and I were driving back from the mountains of West Virginia this past weekend I began making my list of goals for this year.  While I was listing my goals in my head I began thinking what the "criteria" should be.  What I mean by this is that I wanted to make them realistic and meaningful.  Here is the list of my criteria:  1. they had to be attainable, it couldn't be a goal that where I am setting myself up to fail and not reachable 2. they needed to have meaning, there needs to be a valid reason as to why I am setting these goals 3. not a long list, which I guess could go in the criteria of being attainable.
With those thoughts of my goals here is what I came up with:
1. Take better or should I say, take care of myself.  This includes: my physical health - no more soda (only as a treat on occasion), no more artificial sweeteners, cutting down on my caffeine intake, switching our groceries to organic foods (I'll write more on this later), getting more sleep, and walking about everyday even if just for a few minutes, it's amazing what fresh air can do for someone.  my mental/emotional/spiritual health - not just reading my Bible everyday but memorizing more scripture, blogging weekly, and growing more in my prayer life.  Something that has been really hitting me hard that I have been observing/learning at our church is the power of prayer and how I need it like I need to breathe every second of every day.  Our church is soaked and absorbed in prayer and it has humbled me greatly.

2. Graduate this May 2012 with my master's in Middle Childhood Education!!! I am so excited to achieve this goal! I have to write my thesis and pass three licensure tests and I'll be done!

3. Back off my gadgets - Aka - i phone/i-pad during meal time with my family, bedtime with my children, and any special times with my family - I will put these things away.

4. Find a hobby - something that I enjoy doing for me that is separate from being a wife/mom - not sure what this will be yet...

5. Invest and take risks with friendships - getting to know people is something I love but is extremely hard for me to do past the "small talk" stage.  I do not like to be vulnerable, I like to keep my feelings safe.  However, God wants us to be open and develop meaningful relationships, that can not happen if you are not willing to take a risk, and open up.

I think those are the 5 main ones I came up with, although the first one has many in that one, but I feel as if these are all attainable and necessary changes I need to make in my life.  I believe that 2013 will be a better year, even if awful circumstances happen as they did last year, I believe that my faith is much stronger which will in turn mean my reactions to circumstances will be different.  I feel as if I have a lot more to write, for this blog I will end with this, since I struggle with joy, struggle with having enough faith to endure hard times, our pastor at church said this during one of his sermons, it encouraged me so much that I grabbed my i-phone and put it in my post it note app it says, " When life is hard, respond with faith that God is up to something."  I truly believe that and am wanting to live that out.

It's been a while..Part 2

Apparently, I may have typed the first one too long as it wouldnt let me type anymore.  So I will continue on a new post.
The last thing I wrote was that I am sure some think that I may not be a "true" Christian if I haven't read my Bible or really prayed for nearly 6 months!!! Well, you all can think what you want, I know that is not the case.  I am not at all saying, it is "okay" to do that, but I do know many great women and men of God in the Bible who had their struggles with faith and God, remember Peter for instance? The dude who denied Jesus not 1, 2, but 3 times..yeah, and he ended up being a man that told thousands of people about the love of Jesus!
I have just been in a place of being numb when it comes to God.  It is a scary place to be, and I don't like it.  It seemed no matter where, whether at church with a room full of familiar people singing songs, which I most love to do, or hearing a sermon, praying with people, I felt so alone, sad, and that  I didn't belong.  Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process, I do not know, but I hope that starts to change soon. I have recently joined an online accountability group called hellomornings.  I tried this last winter, but failed when my mom passed. It is basically a group of ladies that sign up with an online group and we communicate through twitter, email, facebook, and we keep each other accountable each morning.  This neat group is set up to encourage us to get up for our kids by reading the Bible, praying, and exercising everyday.  I am excited to say I have been 4 for 4 this week, I know that may not seem like a lot, but trust me, with our schedule going from sleeping in later, and no schedule to getting up at 6am, getting my daughter up for school, and myself to school as I started student teaching, I am proud of myself.
Even though it's only been 4 days, I feel a little better just beginning to read a little again and talking to God even if it's just short and simple.
Losing a parent is awful, everyday I think about my mom and just the thought of knowing that I can never pick up the phone to call or go see her in person, just literally sends a physical ache in my heart that I believe will never go away.  I wish I could talk to her one last time, I wish I could hear her voice again. I struggle with why God let this happen, why 2 yrs ago she told my brother and I she didn't want us in her life anymore , why she died alone on her couch, why she had something go wrong wtih her heart, why she died at a young age, and why she never got to really know me, my daughter or even meet my son...it's a struggle I wrestle with daily.  I miss her, I really do miss her.

It's been a long while...

Some of you may have been wondering why I haven't written since the beginning of summer, or perhaps you haven't noticed. Ha! I had these great plans of writing at least once a week this summer, but I just didn't feel it, or when I did, I didn't have the time to sit and write. With having two small children, I feel like I really need a good hour of alone time to be able to sit and write, but I think maybe I just need to be okay with typing a little bit here and there when I can.
I think it would have been good for me to write this summer as it was a pretty good summer, it definitely had it's trying moments.

I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 5 years, and despite my part time subbing and going to Grad school, it has taken it's toll on my emotionally and mentally.  Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and thankful that God has provided this opportunity to be with my children while they are young and financially provide for our children.  I will speak honestly and say that I do think, I know it is time that I embark on a different journey.  I am not going to go on some tangent regarding what is harder of being a stay at home mom or a working mom.  I have done both and I can say for me, it is equally stressful, hard, exhausting, and rewarding but in just different ways.  I definitely know that one is good for one mom while the other may not be.

I will be graduating this December with my master's in Education and hopefully will be teaching full time soon. I can't tell you how excited I am for this! I know without a doubt this is the road I am suppose to be on.  Teaching children is just so freaken awesome and I can't wait to have my own classroom.  I may be sounding a little selfish to some of you since I am going on about not staying home with my kids anymore.  Think what you want, but I think I will have the best of both worlds.  While teachers do a lot during the summer months even though they do not have students, it is definitely more flexible in that I will be with my kids then and on the occasional breaks during the school year.  Do I have a littel bit of guilt that I wont be with Landry everyday until he's in school? Yeah sure a little, but to be honest, I truly believe by achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a middle school teacher, getting out, meeting new people, etc. I will in turn be a better mom.
Enough of that.

This summer has been trying in many ways, both with being a mom with a sick little boy which landed us in Children's hospital for 5 days, parenting a stubborn 6 year old, and also wrestling with God on dealing with my grief of losing my mom this March.  I have been wanting to write about my mom all summer, but I guess I was afraid of really thinking about how I feel about it so I have chose to ignore my "prompts" to write about it.

Some of you know that  my relationship I had with my mom wasn't your typical Brady Bunch relationship.  We never had "hear to heart" talks, we didn't call each other everyday, I didn't go to her for advice on boys, clothes (a few times), or how to be a mom myself when I had my babies.  My mom has struggled with depression and various other sicknesses most of my life.  Some of the choices she made were bad ones, and some were okay. I'll touch on that possibly later.  But despite all of the junk in our relationship, it hasn't made losing her any easier, in fact some days I wonder if it has made it harder.  We hadn't talked for nearly 2 years when she passed away. That alone lands a ton of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness on my heart.  I have been so sick of people who have told me or written me emails/notes, that "this is probably a little easier" now that she has passed, you dont have to worry about her anymore. Or, you haven't talked to her for what 2 yrs? This probably isn't that much different?  And the classic, "you weren't close" or overhearing "they werent close, so she's doing okay"! Sorry but those comments make me so ANGRY!!! Noone, I mean noone can even fathom the day to day sadness I feel over losing my mom. It completely sucks, and sadly has completely changed me. I am not so sure for the better, maybe in time it will be.  

For those of you who know me, you know I am involved with church, always have. I love God first and foremost.  But I am not going to lie, for the first time in my life I am struggling with my faith and  have been a little angry with God and just life.  I just started reading my Bible again this week. Yes, you read that right....aside from reading what I needed to read for Sunday night youth groups, I didn't read.  March 8 - August 19 - no Bible reading and no heart felt prayers. I just could not do it. Some of you may be going..wow she's not really a Christian. 

A little bit of this and a little bit of that...

How exciting, well for me it is..this is I guess my second "official" blog! Funny how pretty easy it is to write some deep things than it is to actually talk about it out loud to people, even to people who are closest to you. I guess it is because you always hear/see people's reactions when you say them out loud.
I suppose I should talk a little bit about myself, although I do not really like to do so, but it's probably necessary so that in future readings you will understand a me bit better.
 I am 32 yrs. old, ugh..for some reason turning 32 has been a weird and not so great year, my cousin said the same thing to me as we were talking the other day.  I feel as though I have aged quite a bit this year.  I don't have half the energy as I used to, I am constantly forgetting things, and let's face it, eating as much or when I want doesn't agree with me like it did in my twenties. I like to blame it on having children for what I now lack, but who knows.  I am currently in grad school working towards my Master's Degree in Middle childhood in Language Arts and Social Studies. I am now officially done with classes and only have student teaching and my thesis to write - Hello Graduation December 2012!! It has been rough, I won't lie trying to go back to school and be a mom and wife, and everything else going on. I look back on my undergrad and thought back then I was stressed to the max, but man. back then school was pretty much the only thing I had to worry about.
While I am not in class or doing papers (which there are a TON in grad school) I am busy being a mom, wife, and being involved at my church - Oasis Christian Fellowship!
My hubby and my kids are my life, I do not know where I'd be without them.  Josh, my hubby, we met in college.  It's kind of a funny story, but we met while I was dating another Josh.  However, his sweet charm and genuineness won my heart and now we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage this Friday, June 8, 2012! He is a computer engineer dude and is extremely smart when it comes to computers.  However, what blows my mind more than anything are two things: 1. His extreme patience and gentleness he has about him- all aspects as a husband, father, and friend - If only I could be a small part like him in those qualities. 2. His hunger and knowledge for the Bible - this is also something I strongly crave more of and love that he is a great example for our family in this! I could go on and on about him and I will in future blogs...so I'll restrain myself for now!
Hadley Grace - my sweet and stubborn soon to be 6 yr. old- Oh how I love her. I often laugh to myself (well only when I am not about to pull my hair out when she's being stubborn) that God really does get ya back...I was and still am a pretty stubborn gal, and was pretty bossy as a child - so is my little Hadley - in the times I get extremely frustrated with her behavior, I have to stop and think, "my poor mom and dad".  She loves to sing (like her momma), use her imagination, very creative (doesn't get that from her momma), and loves her one on one attention from her momma and daddy! More to come...
Honor J. - I know some of you probably think it's weird or crazy that I speak of my unborn child, but the truth is, regardless that we didn't get to meet this precious angel, she was/is my child and I know I will get to meet him/her when I get to heaven.  I was able to have 9.5 wks of talking to him/her, having hopes and dreams for Honor, and feeling the awesome feeling you have when a child is growing inside of you.  God had other plans for this baby and while someday's I am okay with that, other days I struggle and am selfiish because I didn't get to hold him/her and watch Honor grow up.  I am sure this angel of ours is looking down on us and as I said before, I can't wait to see Honor one day.
Landry Bracken - His smile can light up a room, heck, he can light up a whole city with that grin of his and his "chic-let" teeth! He is our miracle baby as I like to call him.  After we lost Honor, it took a while to get pregnant again and just as I was losing hope in having another child, God spoke to a dear friend of ours from church and she told us one night at small group, as I was sharing my fears and crying and asking for everyone to pray for us, she told us that God told her I would be pregnant. I doubted, but 3 days later - I was pregnant- 9 months later, Landry was born! Everyday he is a reminder of God's faithfulness and that His love never fails. And you guessed it..more to come on this little guy!
You are probably thinking...wow..this is a long blog...yep it is. I have so much to cover! :)  I guess if you have made it this far, then I haven't bored you too much.  I am blessed, that is for sure.  God is good.
I don't know how often I will write, probably when I "feel" it or when God lays it on my heart to.  Thanks for reading! Please feel free to comment! I am hoping to get to know you on this journey as well!