A Glimpse of Relief...Day 3 of Gratefulness

It is amazing how quickly something can squelch joy and thankfulness.  There has been quite a few changes this week with not only Hadley going back to school, but my little one going to pre-school at just 2 1/2 yrs. old.  He has been potty trained since last Spring and as all kids, has accidents here and there.  Hadley attended a wonderful pre-school and we wanted Landry to go there as well which is why we started potty training early.  I start my new teaching job next week (extremely thankful) and all was in place as far as childcare goes, Hadley in school, Landry in pre-school.

So, this is a huge transition for Landry, he's been away from me, but only with another babysitter either at my house or theirs, and with only a few other children.  He has never been exposed to a structured -classroom setting.  So starting this week has left him uneasy not to mention very grumpy in the evenings due to being very tired since he is not sleeping during naptime.  This uneasiness has also led him to regress a bit in his potty training, with having a few accidents everyday so far this week.  The director informed me this morning that I should look into a backup plan incase Landry continues to have accidents.  That was my joy squelcher today, yes, I know it's not a life threatening, major thing, etc.  However, if anyone knows me just the slightest, I am a planner, I like to have things organized and ready to go and when things get out of whack, it steals my joy and stress seeps in.  I left his pre-school nearly in tears wondering what in the world will we do,  why is he having accidents, God can I please catch a break?!  

I immediately came home and started searching for other potential places, I asked some close friends to pray, and yep, I stressed, and fretted about what will happen if he cant go there anymore.  I start my new job next week, he has to have somewhere to go!!!  But....in between the stress, the searching, I was able to pray a continuous conversation with God throughout the day asking Him to help Landry, if this is the place for him let him  have an accident free day, help me figure out what to do.  I knew I needed to find the joy and thankfulness of my day despite this hiccup.  Here are the things I am thankful for today:

1. I was able to still pray throughout my stress/freak out moments. Some of you may be like, um, shouldn't you already be doing that? Well yes, of course, isn't that everyones wishes, isnt that every person who has a relationship with God strive to have a never ending convo with God on a daily basis?  But remember, we are imperfect, I am most certainly not strong in this area, so yes, I am thankful that I was able to talk to God, because I usually just freak out and not pray!

2.  Landry had an ACCIDENT FREE DAY!!! Thank you Jesus!!! I can't tell you the relief I felt when I picked him up today and the teacher said he had NO ACCIDENTS!! I picked him up, hugged him tight and told him how proud I was and told him he would get a treat - he asked for a donut! :) So off to our local drive thru donut place we went - and he ate the whole glazed donut! Way to go buddy!!

3.  Walking in the rain - Today I was blessed to hang out with a sweet friend who watched Landry last year while I was interning and her precious baby.  She lives close enough to uptown Athens so we were able to walk up and enjoy lunch today! On our way back, it was starting to cloud up and get dark and we were pretty close to her house when it started raining.  I cant remember the last time I was out in summer rain, and it felt great!  It was refreshing and calming.  In fact, it was sort of a reminder to slow down and enjoy little moments.  Everyone's reaction is usually to run as fast as you can to get out of the rain, and we sort of did as we got closer only so her little baby wouldnt get wet but we also took time to appreciate it and realize how refreshing it was.  Thankful that God uses things like getting caught in the rain to remind us of the little things to appreciate.

Anyone else jotting down things they are thankful for today? I'd love to hear them!

* Another side note, stealing this from Christen as well, but I hope to take a few pictures of my kiddos daily so I can be reminded of how they grow and how precious they are!

Hadley at her 2nd grade open house!

This was taken this past Tuesday, Landry hiding in our puppies cage - I think he was trying to get away from the puppy! 

2nd day of Giving Thanks

Day 2, it's late, I'm exhausted, kids are tired from being the first week of school.  I'll have to admit, knowing that I have to write this tonight, thinking of things that I am thankful for has been a constant on my mind.  Any time something not so great happened, or I was stressed out with my 2 1/2 yr. old crying and refusing to sleep, I would immediately think, but I am thankful for...

1. That I have children who need and want their mommy! Despite the exhaustion that comes when Landry is attached like velcro or when Hadley needs extra mommy time even though she's whining about it, they just need their mommy, they need me.  I am thankful they see me as a place of rest, a place of comfort.

2. Friendship - I know I said this yesterday, but I was blessed to spend the day yesterday with a dear friend that I've known since Kindergarten, Katie.  Katie is really a gem.  I've always loved that she is her own person, not caring what others may think of her and she just has this awesome confidence about her.  Our day consisted of having lunch, window shoppping, sipping coffee, running errands with my kids, and taking a walk.  We had some really great talks, talks that mostly consisted of what God has been doing in her life and me picking her brain on how He has given her such peace in her life.  So thankful we are still friends and hope we are able to see each other more.  Thankful that no matter the distance or time, we never lose that connection of true friendship.

60 Days of Giving Thanks and Seeking Pure Joy

A common topic you may have noticed in my very few blogs I have written is : Joy - Joy is one of my favorite words, favorite feeling, love the meaning and how vital it is in life.  Ironically though...joy is something I struggle with every day.  In the midst of this chaotic life - children, work, school, keeping a home, developing friendships, church, etc. the list can keep going on and on; joy secretly slips away every second of the day.  It frustrates me, in fact it makes me angry that I let little things of the mundane of life steal my joy.  It frustrates me to no end that I know I have a very blessed life that God has given me. I have seriously the most amazing and loving husband who is filled with God's love and His grace, he is an outstanding father to our children.  I have three children, with two I am blessed to know and have on this earth and one that I will know in heaven some day.  We have more then we need, a great house, 2 dogs, clothes, 2 cars, food, jobs, and I wonder; why in the world do I still struggle with finding joy?
I am currently reading an amazing book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, it is a book about her journey on finding joy, seeking God, and everyday writing down amazing gifts in the midst of life.  It is really something when you are in need of something and God places people and things in your life to help you get there, even if it takes awhile to wipe the blinders from your eyes.  God has placed this book which was given to my by a new and very dear friend in my life, Brittany. I met her in a small group and pretty much clicked instantly.  Right away life's set backs in both her and my life came up and it has been neat to see how God used us to help each other with these crazy events.  In this short time that I have known her, I would say she knows more about me then people I have known most of my life, she is one of very few friends who isnt afraid to be completely honest yet with sweet intentions for the best of my well-being.  I love her immensely and am forever grateful that God has placed her in my life. God places 2 ways right there - her friendship and that book she gave me.
Another person who is significant on my journey is Christen. We met in Virginia and have kept in touch when I  moved away.  We have a lot in common and I love how no matter how long it has been I can call or text her, tell her what is going on and it's like I never moved away.  She is very busy with 2 young children, but always makes time to talk me through things and best of all...praying for me daily.  This leads me up to what my title is all about.  I called Christen yesterday dumping a lot of things on her as she was running errands with her children and it was one of the best calls I've made in a long time. She took nearly an hour of her time to listen and give me some great advice.  There is one advice that really stuck out, writing a daily blog of what I am thankful for; which coincides with the book I'm reading (she had no clue I was reading), went along with everything Brittany has been sharing (she didnt know that), and I have been contemplating doing this as the book One Thousand Gifts talks about. God, I think You're telling me something?!
So today, I am starting my daily blog for 60 days of what I am thankful for.  Christen did this but was a bit more ambitious then me and wrote for 100 days, (which I encourage you to check out her blog as now she is doing 365 days and it has been very inspiring). She said doing this has literally changed her life! So, I am telling everyone as this will keep me accountable, but more importantly, those of you who choose to take this journey along with me, I hope that this will some how inspire you.  I am writing for me, for God, to find this unspeakable joy.  I am not writing to make anyone else happy, I am not going to worry about what anyone else thinks of me. I am going to be real.
My thankfulness for today:
1. Amazing friends - Brittany and Christen that I mentioned above and I have to mention one more - Alicia - friends since birth, our moms were best friends, we have truly done life together. She knew my mom, knew all that Ive endured, she has endured with my mom, she has been my life line through all of it. I believe she is my sister for real.
I'm learning a lot about friendships.  For so long, many of them have been surface relationships, I am a very private person, not wanting to reveal my true self to anyone, except for a very very select few. This past year, I have been reading so many awesome Christian women blogs, books, on what friendships are suppose to look like based on what God has taught us.  Its a long road, I have a long way to go, but thanks to these awesome ladies - Im making some progress. :)
2. Grace - goodness, without God's grace, my life would be even more messy. I dont have to earn it, it's already there.  Grace is another thing I have a long way to learn and grow, but I am thankful that everyday God's grace is there and new, no matter what I did or didnt do.
3. This challenge - Im sure like most new habits, Ill start out strong and
excited  but will eventually want to give up,  However, I am also a very determined person and when I set my mind out to do something, I go to all lengths to do it (just ask my husband, which this trait can also be annoying :) ). I am excited to do this journey and hope you will be blessed by it as well!

3 gifts of thankfullness - my family - I like that this picture isn't perfect. Hadleys looking away and Landry is crying. We aren't perfect - this is real life

Remembering My Mom

March 5, 2013 was the 1 yr anniversary of  my mom passing away. I didn't know quite what to expect, or feel even on this day.  My sweet husband took the day off of work to just be with me, which meant more to me than anything.  I had decided that I wanted to visit her grave, I guess you could say, it was  a way where I felt close to her and something that perhaps would make her feel loved.
Her grave is a little over 2 hrs away, but Josh didn't mind.  After getting my daughter off to school, and taking my son again to the Dr. and then settled in with some of his favorite people (Nanny and Pappaw) we took off.  Before going the cemetery, we were able to meet my dad and my grandparents for lunch.  This was something nice and again, helped to be with family on this particular day. We didn't talk about my mom, but just being together helped.
As we left to go to the cemetery, it of course started raining and it was cold, it added to the weariness of the day.  I wasn't sure what one is suppose to do when you visit people's graves so as I was driving there I was thinking of what should I do, say,or do I say or do anything?
We pulled in and I turned to Josh and asked him," Well,I am not sure what to do? I should've brought her flowers, why didn't I do that?" He ever so sweetly said, "It's okay that you didn't bring flowers, and I don't think there is anythings specific you have to do."
So we both got out in the cold pouring rain, and just stood there looking at her grave. We talked a little about her, but mostly stood there quietly.  I began to think about all the things I have learned from my mom.  The one thing that stood out was her prayers.  She had kept prayer journals for as long as I can remember, and I remember as a young child, sneaking into her room and reading them. I of course know, that is completely wrong but I was a child and curious to what my mom wrote.  She would always write to God, praying, and laying all of her hurts, wants, needs, all of it, no holding back.    
I didn't think too much of it then, but thought I was kind of getting to know my mom a little bit better when I read them.
When she passed away last year, I had found just a few journals that were with her Bible and again, they were all prayers to God.  I thought, wow, God must have been proud of her for completely laying out everything to Him. That is what He wants us to do.
Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
My mom did just that, ALWAYS.
Due to the unique relationship I had with my mom, I sometimes focus too much on the areas that I wish were different but yesterday as I was looking at her grave, it was as if God was gently telling me, "What special things did you learn from your mom, what can you take away from her life?"  That is what I did.  Thinking back on her prayers, she reminded me of David who wrote many of the Psalms in the Bible and many of those were David pouring his heart out to God. Again, this is what God wants us to do. I thought it was totally a God thing that just this past Sunday, the sermon at church was about God's role and how He is our Father.  A father's role is many things: protector, guides you, plans for you and most importantly has a real relationship with their children.  All of these are how we should see  God because He is our heavenly Father and we need to run to Him with everything.  Our Pastor said it best when he was telling us how to approach God, when we pray it should come out as "Bleh......." spilling our guts, telling Him everything, our hurts, fears, joys, even when we don't have it figured out, He will and does.  The cool thing is, my mom did just that.
I need to be more like her in this area.  I tend to hold things back when I pray to God, which is really silly since He already knows every aspect of my life anyways.
As we left her grave, I had mixed emotions.  I was sad because I truly miss her and wish I could hear her voice and talk to her about many many things.  I felt some peace knowing she isn't hurting anymore, and also a sense of joy after God revealed to me about what I can learn from her.
I still have many many regrets and would give anything to have done things differently when she was still alive.  My heart literally still aches at times when I think about her. I still get angry at things that have happened between us.  It is amazing of how many different waves of emotions, feelings, and things a person has to go through during grief, and that time really doesn't make it any easier.  I know that it will take a very long time to deal with everything, in fact, I may never get it all sorted out.  However, I am glad I have a heavenly Father who absolutely loves me and wants me to come to Him with every emotion and feelings I have.  Thank you mom, for being an example of doing just that. Love and miss you immensely.

This is a picture of my mom and Hadley (3) celebrating my moms birthday in 2009.

Blah....

Today was just as the title read; Blah! It seemed everything I tried to accomplish today either took me a million tries or didn't work at all. These days happen to many of us and by the end of the day, it leaves a person especially this gal completely and utterly exhausted.
My day didn't necessarily start off bad but as soon as I sat at my desk to work on my Master's paper among other paper work, things started to not work out so well.  I tried to print off important papers which then the printer wouldn't print, then I missed the mail man when I tried to mail important documents, and as I was typing I kept messing up and things weren't flowing.

I decided after a few hours of working that I should heat up some lunch which I was excited about since it was left over pizza from my favorite place and some yummy new organic chips that I just purchased.   I thought I'd relax and watch a little TV while I ate lunch before I went back up to my office.  Well....I gathered my food, sat in my favorite chair only to find out there was no remote to be found for the TV. I got up, looked EVERYWHERE no remote, I go to use the old fashioned buttons on the TV and those kept messing up as well....I finally get it on sit down and well those organic chips were in a "green" bag which meant you had to use scissors to open, it wouldn't just rip open like normal bags. You get the picture, I know these things are petty, but it was just adding to my Blah day.

Instead of boring you with the details about the remainder of my day I'll just list them:

- went to prep my turkey dinner - thought I bought a turkey breast - instead it was a whole turkey (not a fan of the dark meet)
- not a fan of cleaning the inside parts out of that turkey, and pulling feathers off..grosss....finally got it in the oven
-worked again on my stuff, printer still wouldn't print
- tried to pay bills online - after putting in all the info, a big flash of orange letters on the screen - ERROR - try again later....grrr..Really?
-still getting over a sinus infections of over 3 wks..which means I am tired, still feel a little crappy
- High light of my day - BFF calls me - always makes my heart happy
- daughter gets off the bus - series of back talking, etc. etc. - ends up in her room, her fav things taken away...drama
- checked on the turkey - the little red thingy popped up to say it is done, looks done so I turn off the oven keep it in there to stay warm until the hubs and little man comes home
- start dinner - over steam the broccoli - smelled gross...
- had hubby buy a meat thermometer to make sure turkey is done, comes home we check it, turkey NOT DONE - mean while everything else was ready for dinner except for the turkey -
- Need I go on...So needless to say, I felt like I have failed at everything I tried to attempt today!

At 7pm I was ready to call it a day and hit the sack. We all know that doesn't happen when you have precious kiddos...but there were precious moments the rest of the evening that took away the blahs for a little while.  The sound of my kids singing and laughing at the dinner table, all of us sharing what our favorite thing of the day was and the worst part of our day.  The loud splashes and giggles during bath time, and the snuggles and kisses at bed time.  But there is one part of the day that gets my heart every time and that is our prayer time. I am thankful that Josh started this tradition of how we pray after Landry was old enough to walk around....we all go into Hadley's room, and instead of laying in her bed to pray like we used to, we all kneel, close our eyes, and fold our hands.  There is something about kneeling before God and seeing a 2  and a 6 yr old doing this too.  While we pray, I sneak and open my eyes to see my little guy closing his eyes so so tightly and folding his hands with his elbows on the side of the bed, and watching my 6 yr old say the prayers.  One of these days I want to take a picture and capture this precious moment.  These are the moments that can turn your Blah days into good ones!

God is good and I am blessed with my life!

Unspeakable Joy in the Midst of Worry and Anxiety

Unspeakable joy...words that I long to not only hear but words that I long to actually live by.  Many people confuse the words joy and happiness to be the same thing, but they are not. Happiness is something that is reached by short term achievements, it is not lasting and is often filled by possessions, people, events, careers, etc. you get the picture. Joy...joy is something that is ever lasting, it is not attainable by short term goals, people, careers, or possessions.  Joy is attained by only one person and that is God.  Joy is a life style.     Our church has finished up a series on Rejoicing and today the sermon was taken from Philippians 4:4-7 - a passage that I am pretty familiar with, have heard and read many times, but not until today did it hit me like it did.  I wont attempt to tell you exactly what our pastor said, even if I did, I wouldn't do it near as well but I would like to share a few of the main words that hit me.
Being a Christian and not having joy do not go together. Wow! What?! For those of you who have read my previous posts, you know joy is something I have struggled with. I am still pondering these words as I write this, it's a lot to take in.
This last part was written 10 days ago...I was struggling to write so I left it at that..now fast forward 10 days..
Jan.22, 13
I have had 10 days to ponder those words I stated above - Being a Christian and not having joy do not go together.  I have played that over and over in my head, I have thought things like whoa..man for all of these years maybe I haven't been a real Christian, then God brought me to reality and reminded me of His grace and that always no matter what, He is molding and shaping us. However, I have been missing out on a huge thing that God has been trying to show me all of these years and that is His JOY!
These past 10 days I have been more intentional of seeking joy in my everyday life, and I wont lie it is hard, especially when for me, it's a struggle to keep my head above water sometimes.  I have been intentional about going to God right when I start to feel anxious and stressed, I have put on worship music during the most stressful times of the day such as getting the kids up, fed, and taken to school or the babysitters, fixing dinner, and cleaning - there is seriously something about listening to positive music that can keep seeping joy into ones soul.
I have made an effort to also share with certain people I can trust in my life such as my husband and a few of my good friends where I can say hey, "today I'm struggling, I'm stressed, anxious, please pray for me" or send a quick text and just saying it out loud, knowing I'm being prayed for at that very moment, and that I am not in this alone can make or break me.
I am currently reading a new book which God has most definitely placed in my life at a very very good time and no doubt it's a coincidence, Desperate Hope for the Mom that Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. Holy cow is this book amazing. It is a book written from a normal everyday mom who struggles with finding joy, digging herself out of depression, and trying to find hope in being a great mom and wife of God.  Sarah and her mentor share their letters they wrote back and forth to support each other.  This book also talks about the importance of moms having rich and true friendships, finding a mentor, and being a mentor.  How cool that I found this book after I just wrote about relationships being one of my goals for this year!?
It is amazing to say the least of how God is truly helping me find my joy in Him over this past week or so.  Something that I am not good at is asking for help, and sadly asking for prayer.  One thing that I love about our church is that every Sunday anyone can go up during the last song to receive prayer from someone who has been trained to pray over people.  Every Sunday I am amazed at the boldness of mostly college students but others too that walk up and receive prayer.  I knew that the Sunday the sermon was on Joy that God was telling me to go up and receive prayer. I wont lie, I was shaking, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I even asked my husband if the thought it would be okay to ask for it, not that I needed his permission, but I guess I felt like a failure for even thinking about going up, let alone actually doing it.  His sweet words of encouragement and the squeezing of his hand on mine gave me the courage I needed to walk up there.  I felt  a sense of relief while I was being prayed for and a sense of Joy I guess you could say that hey, I can beat this thing and I can truly experience Joy in my life.
And God has been blessing me with so many instances, reminders, and truths through people, His Word, His songs, my kids, my husband over the past 10 days...I feel like for the first time in my life, I am beginning to experience His real JOY - Hallelujah!
One more thing and I promise I am done with this novel blog. One very good example of experiencing His Joy was tonight in my home. First, I walk in to find my sweet babies on the floor laughing at Oobi - my daughter laying on her stomach with my son sitting on top of her and would randomly bend down and stroke her hair and kiss her head = JOY and 2nd- we just got home from eating out since it was kids eat free at the mexican joint, I had already told my 6yr that when we came home she had to pick up the playroom and she happily responded okay!  Well, we arrived home it's time for a bath and bed and I reminded her that she needed to clean the play room and that she had 10 min. to do so..she started whining, talking back and I started to use my stern voice and then quickly decided..hmm, lets try a different approach and see what happens -  I found "Party in the USA" and "Love Shack" on my phone, grabbed her pink flashlight, threw on her "Jessie" cowgirl hat and began singing and dancing and told her I was putting on a concert for her while she cleaned!! She laughed, danced, and cleaned and we ended it with doing the Cha Cha slide = pure Joy for both her and myself! This will be a memory that I will always remember and hopefully she will too!
A song that has been playing over and over in my head - Joy, Unspeakable Joy - by Chris Tomlin
I pray you all begin experiencing His Joy as well!

New Year, New Goals, and finding God's New Mercies Everyday

It is eight days into the New Year, it seems as a person gets older the faster time seems to go.  A lot of people make New Year's resolutions this time of year, but I like to set goals instead of "resolutions", goals seem more achievable to me I guess.  As my husband and I were driving back from the mountains of West Virginia this past weekend I began making my list of goals for this year.  While I was listing my goals in my head I began thinking what the "criteria" should be.  What I mean by this is that I wanted to make them realistic and meaningful.  Here is the list of my criteria:  1. they had to be attainable, it couldn't be a goal that where I am setting myself up to fail and not reachable 2. they needed to have meaning, there needs to be a valid reason as to why I am setting these goals 3. not a long list, which I guess could go in the criteria of being attainable.
With those thoughts of my goals here is what I came up with:
1. Take better or should I say, take care of myself.  This includes: my physical health - no more soda (only as a treat on occasion), no more artificial sweeteners, cutting down on my caffeine intake, switching our groceries to organic foods (I'll write more on this later), getting more sleep, and walking about everyday even if just for a few minutes, it's amazing what fresh air can do for someone.  my mental/emotional/spiritual health - not just reading my Bible everyday but memorizing more scripture, blogging weekly, and growing more in my prayer life.  Something that has been really hitting me hard that I have been observing/learning at our church is the power of prayer and how I need it like I need to breathe every second of every day.  Our church is soaked and absorbed in prayer and it has humbled me greatly.

2. Graduate this May 2012 with my master's in Middle Childhood Education!!! I am so excited to achieve this goal! I have to write my thesis and pass three licensure tests and I'll be done!

3. Back off my gadgets - Aka - i phone/i-pad during meal time with my family, bedtime with my children, and any special times with my family - I will put these things away.

4. Find a hobby - something that I enjoy doing for me that is separate from being a wife/mom - not sure what this will be yet...

5. Invest and take risks with friendships - getting to know people is something I love but is extremely hard for me to do past the "small talk" stage.  I do not like to be vulnerable, I like to keep my feelings safe.  However, God wants us to be open and develop meaningful relationships, that can not happen if you are not willing to take a risk, and open up.

I think those are the 5 main ones I came up with, although the first one has many in that one, but I feel as if these are all attainable and necessary changes I need to make in my life.  I believe that 2013 will be a better year, even if awful circumstances happen as they did last year, I believe that my faith is much stronger which will in turn mean my reactions to circumstances will be different.  I feel as if I have a lot more to write, for this blog I will end with this, since I struggle with joy, struggle with having enough faith to endure hard times, our pastor at church said this during one of his sermons, it encouraged me so much that I grabbed my i-phone and put it in my post it note app it says, " When life is hard, respond with faith that God is up to something."  I truly believe that and am wanting to live that out.