Apparently, I may have typed the first one too long as it wouldnt let me type anymore. So I will continue on a new post.
The last thing I wrote was that I am sure some think that I may not be a "true" Christian if I haven't read my Bible or really prayed for nearly 6 months!!! Well, you all can think what you want, I know that is not the case. I am not at all saying, it is "okay" to do that, but I do know many great women and men of God in the Bible who had their struggles with faith and God, remember Peter for instance? The dude who denied Jesus not 1, 2, but 3 times..yeah, and he ended up being a man that told thousands of people about the love of Jesus!
I have just been in a place of being numb when it comes to God. It is a scary place to be, and I don't like it. It seemed no matter where, whether at church with a room full of familiar people singing songs, which I most love to do, or hearing a sermon, praying with people, I felt so alone, sad, and that I didn't belong. Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process, I do not know, but I hope that starts to change soon. I have recently joined an online accountability group called hellomornings. I tried this last winter, but failed when my mom passed. It is basically a group of ladies that sign up with an online group and we communicate through twitter, email, facebook, and we keep each other accountable each morning. This neat group is set up to encourage us to get up for our kids by reading the Bible, praying, and exercising everyday. I am excited to say I have been 4 for 4 this week, I know that may not seem like a lot, but trust me, with our schedule going from sleeping in later, and no schedule to getting up at 6am, getting my daughter up for school, and myself to school as I started student teaching, I am proud of myself.
Even though it's only been 4 days, I feel a little better just beginning to read a little again and talking to God even if it's just short and simple.
Losing a parent is awful, everyday I think about my mom and just the thought of knowing that I can never pick up the phone to call or go see her in person, just literally sends a physical ache in my heart that I believe will never go away. I wish I could talk to her one last time, I wish I could hear her voice again. I struggle with why God let this happen, why 2 yrs ago she told my brother and I she didn't want us in her life anymore , why she died alone on her couch, why she had something go wrong wtih her heart, why she died at a young age, and why she never got to really know me, my daughter or even meet my son...it's a struggle I wrestle with daily. I miss her, I really do miss her.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
It's been a long while...
Some of you may have been wondering why I haven't written since the beginning of summer, or perhaps you haven't noticed. Ha! I had these great plans of writing at least once a week this summer, but I just didn't feel it, or when I did, I didn't have the time to sit and write. With having two small children, I feel like I really need a good hour of alone time to be able to sit and write, but I think maybe I just need to be okay with typing a little bit here and there when I can.
I think it would have been good for me to write this summer as it was a pretty good summer, it definitely had it's trying moments.
I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 5 years, and despite my part time subbing and going to Grad school, it has taken it's toll on my emotionally and mentally. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and thankful that God has provided this opportunity to be with my children while they are young and financially provide for our children. I will speak honestly and say that I do think, I know it is time that I embark on a different journey. I am not going to go on some tangent regarding what is harder of being a stay at home mom or a working mom. I have done both and I can say for me, it is equally stressful, hard, exhausting, and rewarding but in just different ways. I definitely know that one is good for one mom while the other may not be.
I will be graduating this December with my master's in Education and hopefully will be teaching full time soon. I can't tell you how excited I am for this! I know without a doubt this is the road I am suppose to be on. Teaching children is just so freaken awesome and I can't wait to have my own classroom. I may be sounding a little selfish to some of you since I am going on about not staying home with my kids anymore. Think what you want, but I think I will have the best of both worlds. While teachers do a lot during the summer months even though they do not have students, it is definitely more flexible in that I will be with my kids then and on the occasional breaks during the school year. Do I have a littel bit of guilt that I wont be with Landry everyday until he's in school? Yeah sure a little, but to be honest, I truly believe by achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a middle school teacher, getting out, meeting new people, etc. I will in turn be a better mom.
Enough of that.
This summer has been trying in many ways, both with being a mom with a sick little boy which landed us in Children's hospital for 5 days, parenting a stubborn 6 year old, and also wrestling with God on dealing with my grief of losing my mom this March. I have been wanting to write about my mom all summer, but I guess I was afraid of really thinking about how I feel about it so I have chose to ignore my "prompts" to write about it.
Some of you know that my relationship I had with my mom wasn't your typical Brady Bunch relationship. We never had "hear to heart" talks, we didn't call each other everyday, I didn't go to her for advice on boys, clothes (a few times), or how to be a mom myself when I had my babies. My mom has struggled with depression and various other sicknesses most of my life. Some of the choices she made were bad ones, and some were okay. I'll touch on that possibly later. But despite all of the junk in our relationship, it hasn't made losing her any easier, in fact some days I wonder if it has made it harder. We hadn't talked for nearly 2 years when she passed away. That alone lands a ton of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness on my heart. I have been so sick of people who have told me or written me emails/notes, that "this is probably a little easier" now that she has passed, you dont have to worry about her anymore. Or, you haven't talked to her for what 2 yrs? This probably isn't that much different? And the classic, "you weren't close" or overhearing "they werent close, so she's doing okay"! Sorry but those comments make me so ANGRY!!! Noone, I mean noone can even fathom the day to day sadness I feel over losing my mom. It completely sucks, and sadly has completely changed me. I am not so sure for the better, maybe in time it will be.
For those of you who know me, you know I am involved with church, always have. I love God first and foremost. But I am not going to lie, for the first time in my life I am struggling with my faith and have been a little angry with God and just life. I just started reading my Bible again this week. Yes, you read that right....aside from reading what I needed to read for Sunday night youth groups, I didn't read. March 8 - August 19 - no Bible reading and no heart felt prayers. I just could not do it. Some of you may be going..wow she's not really a Christian.
I think it would have been good for me to write this summer as it was a pretty good summer, it definitely had it's trying moments.
I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 5 years, and despite my part time subbing and going to Grad school, it has taken it's toll on my emotionally and mentally. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and thankful that God has provided this opportunity to be with my children while they are young and financially provide for our children. I will speak honestly and say that I do think, I know it is time that I embark on a different journey. I am not going to go on some tangent regarding what is harder of being a stay at home mom or a working mom. I have done both and I can say for me, it is equally stressful, hard, exhausting, and rewarding but in just different ways. I definitely know that one is good for one mom while the other may not be.
I will be graduating this December with my master's in Education and hopefully will be teaching full time soon. I can't tell you how excited I am for this! I know without a doubt this is the road I am suppose to be on. Teaching children is just so freaken awesome and I can't wait to have my own classroom. I may be sounding a little selfish to some of you since I am going on about not staying home with my kids anymore. Think what you want, but I think I will have the best of both worlds. While teachers do a lot during the summer months even though they do not have students, it is definitely more flexible in that I will be with my kids then and on the occasional breaks during the school year. Do I have a littel bit of guilt that I wont be with Landry everyday until he's in school? Yeah sure a little, but to be honest, I truly believe by achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a middle school teacher, getting out, meeting new people, etc. I will in turn be a better mom.
Enough of that.
This summer has been trying in many ways, both with being a mom with a sick little boy which landed us in Children's hospital for 5 days, parenting a stubborn 6 year old, and also wrestling with God on dealing with my grief of losing my mom this March. I have been wanting to write about my mom all summer, but I guess I was afraid of really thinking about how I feel about it so I have chose to ignore my "prompts" to write about it.
Some of you know that my relationship I had with my mom wasn't your typical Brady Bunch relationship. We never had "hear to heart" talks, we didn't call each other everyday, I didn't go to her for advice on boys, clothes (a few times), or how to be a mom myself when I had my babies. My mom has struggled with depression and various other sicknesses most of my life. Some of the choices she made were bad ones, and some were okay. I'll touch on that possibly later. But despite all of the junk in our relationship, it hasn't made losing her any easier, in fact some days I wonder if it has made it harder. We hadn't talked for nearly 2 years when she passed away. That alone lands a ton of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness on my heart. I have been so sick of people who have told me or written me emails/notes, that "this is probably a little easier" now that she has passed, you dont have to worry about her anymore. Or, you haven't talked to her for what 2 yrs? This probably isn't that much different? And the classic, "you weren't close" or overhearing "they werent close, so she's doing okay"! Sorry but those comments make me so ANGRY!!! Noone, I mean noone can even fathom the day to day sadness I feel over losing my mom. It completely sucks, and sadly has completely changed me. I am not so sure for the better, maybe in time it will be.
For those of you who know me, you know I am involved with church, always have. I love God first and foremost. But I am not going to lie, for the first time in my life I am struggling with my faith and have been a little angry with God and just life. I just started reading my Bible again this week. Yes, you read that right....aside from reading what I needed to read for Sunday night youth groups, I didn't read. March 8 - August 19 - no Bible reading and no heart felt prayers. I just could not do it. Some of you may be going..wow she's not really a Christian.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
A little bit of this and a little bit of that...
How exciting, well for me it is..this is I guess my second "official" blog! Funny how pretty easy it is to write some deep things than it is to actually talk about it out loud to people, even to people who are closest to you. I guess it is because you always hear/see people's reactions when you say them out loud.
I suppose I should talk a little bit about myself, although I do not really like to do so, but it's probably necessary so that in future readings you will understand a me bit better.
I am 32 yrs. old, ugh..for some reason turning 32 has been a weird and not so great year, my cousin said the same thing to me as we were talking the other day. I feel as though I have aged quite a bit this year. I don't have half the energy as I used to, I am constantly forgetting things, and let's face it, eating as much or when I want doesn't agree with me like it did in my twenties. I like to blame it on having children for what I now lack, but who knows. I am currently in grad school working towards my Master's Degree in Middle childhood in Language Arts and Social Studies. I am now officially done with classes and only have student teaching and my thesis to write - Hello Graduation December 2012!! It has been rough, I won't lie trying to go back to school and be a mom and wife, and everything else going on. I look back on my undergrad and thought back then I was stressed to the max, but man. back then school was pretty much the only thing I had to worry about.
While I am not in class or doing papers (which there are a TON in grad school) I am busy being a mom, wife, and being involved at my church - Oasis Christian Fellowship!
My hubby and my kids are my life, I do not know where I'd be without them. Josh, my hubby, we met in college. It's kind of a funny story, but we met while I was dating another Josh. However, his sweet charm and genuineness won my heart and now we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage this Friday, June 8, 2012! He is a computer engineer dude and is extremely smart when it comes to computers. However, what blows my mind more than anything are two things: 1. His extreme patience and gentleness he has about him- all aspects as a husband, father, and friend - If only I could be a small part like him in those qualities. 2. His hunger and knowledge for the Bible - this is also something I strongly crave more of and love that he is a great example for our family in this! I could go on and on about him and I will in future blogs...so I'll restrain myself for now!
Hadley Grace - my sweet and stubborn soon to be 6 yr. old- Oh how I love her. I often laugh to myself (well only when I am not about to pull my hair out when she's being stubborn) that God really does get ya back...I was and still am a pretty stubborn gal, and was pretty bossy as a child - so is my little Hadley - in the times I get extremely frustrated with her behavior, I have to stop and think, "my poor mom and dad". She loves to sing (like her momma), use her imagination, very creative (doesn't get that from her momma), and loves her one on one attention from her momma and daddy! More to come...
Honor J. - I know some of you probably think it's weird or crazy that I speak of my unborn child, but the truth is, regardless that we didn't get to meet this precious angel, she was/is my child and I know I will get to meet him/her when I get to heaven. I was able to have 9.5 wks of talking to him/her, having hopes and dreams for Honor, and feeling the awesome feeling you have when a child is growing inside of you. God had other plans for this baby and while someday's I am okay with that, other days I struggle and am selfiish because I didn't get to hold him/her and watch Honor grow up. I am sure this angel of ours is looking down on us and as I said before, I can't wait to see Honor one day.
Landry Bracken - His smile can light up a room, heck, he can light up a whole city with that grin of his and his "chic-let" teeth! He is our miracle baby as I like to call him. After we lost Honor, it took a while to get pregnant again and just as I was losing hope in having another child, God spoke to a dear friend of ours from church and she told us one night at small group, as I was sharing my fears and crying and asking for everyone to pray for us, she told us that God told her I would be pregnant. I doubted, but 3 days later - I was pregnant- 9 months later, Landry was born! Everyday he is a reminder of God's faithfulness and that His love never fails. And you guessed it..more to come on this little guy!
You are probably thinking...wow..this is a long blog...yep it is. I have so much to cover! :) I guess if you have made it this far, then I haven't bored you too much. I am blessed, that is for sure. God is good.
I don't know how often I will write, probably when I "feel" it or when God lays it on my heart to. Thanks for reading! Please feel free to comment! I am hoping to get to know you on this journey as well!
I suppose I should talk a little bit about myself, although I do not really like to do so, but it's probably necessary so that in future readings you will understand a me bit better.
I am 32 yrs. old, ugh..for some reason turning 32 has been a weird and not so great year, my cousin said the same thing to me as we were talking the other day. I feel as though I have aged quite a bit this year. I don't have half the energy as I used to, I am constantly forgetting things, and let's face it, eating as much or when I want doesn't agree with me like it did in my twenties. I like to blame it on having children for what I now lack, but who knows. I am currently in grad school working towards my Master's Degree in Middle childhood in Language Arts and Social Studies. I am now officially done with classes and only have student teaching and my thesis to write - Hello Graduation December 2012!! It has been rough, I won't lie trying to go back to school and be a mom and wife, and everything else going on. I look back on my undergrad and thought back then I was stressed to the max, but man. back then school was pretty much the only thing I had to worry about.
While I am not in class or doing papers (which there are a TON in grad school) I am busy being a mom, wife, and being involved at my church - Oasis Christian Fellowship!
My hubby and my kids are my life, I do not know where I'd be without them. Josh, my hubby, we met in college. It's kind of a funny story, but we met while I was dating another Josh. However, his sweet charm and genuineness won my heart and now we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage this Friday, June 8, 2012! He is a computer engineer dude and is extremely smart when it comes to computers. However, what blows my mind more than anything are two things: 1. His extreme patience and gentleness he has about him- all aspects as a husband, father, and friend - If only I could be a small part like him in those qualities. 2. His hunger and knowledge for the Bible - this is also something I strongly crave more of and love that he is a great example for our family in this! I could go on and on about him and I will in future blogs...so I'll restrain myself for now!
Hadley Grace - my sweet and stubborn soon to be 6 yr. old- Oh how I love her. I often laugh to myself (well only when I am not about to pull my hair out when she's being stubborn) that God really does get ya back...I was and still am a pretty stubborn gal, and was pretty bossy as a child - so is my little Hadley - in the times I get extremely frustrated with her behavior, I have to stop and think, "my poor mom and dad". She loves to sing (like her momma), use her imagination, very creative (doesn't get that from her momma), and loves her one on one attention from her momma and daddy! More to come...
Honor J. - I know some of you probably think it's weird or crazy that I speak of my unborn child, but the truth is, regardless that we didn't get to meet this precious angel, she was/is my child and I know I will get to meet him/her when I get to heaven. I was able to have 9.5 wks of talking to him/her, having hopes and dreams for Honor, and feeling the awesome feeling you have when a child is growing inside of you. God had other plans for this baby and while someday's I am okay with that, other days I struggle and am selfiish because I didn't get to hold him/her and watch Honor grow up. I am sure this angel of ours is looking down on us and as I said before, I can't wait to see Honor one day.
Landry Bracken - His smile can light up a room, heck, he can light up a whole city with that grin of his and his "chic-let" teeth! He is our miracle baby as I like to call him. After we lost Honor, it took a while to get pregnant again and just as I was losing hope in having another child, God spoke to a dear friend of ours from church and she told us one night at small group, as I was sharing my fears and crying and asking for everyone to pray for us, she told us that God told her I would be pregnant. I doubted, but 3 days later - I was pregnant- 9 months later, Landry was born! Everyday he is a reminder of God's faithfulness and that His love never fails. And you guessed it..more to come on this little guy!
You are probably thinking...wow..this is a long blog...yep it is. I have so much to cover! :) I guess if you have made it this far, then I haven't bored you too much. I am blessed, that is for sure. God is good.
I don't know how often I will write, probably when I "feel" it or when God lays it on my heart to. Thanks for reading! Please feel free to comment! I am hoping to get to know you on this journey as well!
I'm Finally Taking the Plunge
A blog...yep, I am finally doing it. Starting a blog has been something I have been interested in for awhile. Although a year or so ago, I didn't really have a purpose in starting one, except for just to maybe have an "online" journal so to speak. However, in recent events that have taken place in my life over the past few months, I have felt a need to have an outlet, a way to express certain feelings I usually suppress. But I also feel a nudge from God that I could very much use all of my joys, sorrows, fears, doubts that I tend to suppress in a form of writing and sharing with others who choose to read my blogs. It is my desire that maybe God is using me to encourage others. So here goes my journey, if you like it great, if not, then you do not have to read it!
On here you will probably get to know me on a very personal level. You will in addition to getting to know me better, you will hear me brag about my kids, and hear all the highs and lows of parenting, hear about my best friend and soul mate for life, my husband Josh, and probably some about my best pal, Jake, our lab mix dog.
You will read about the joys in my life, my heartaches, which right now will involve a lot about the recent death of my mom, my struggle to find joy every day (yes, I am admitting, it's a daily struggle), my tough journey through grad school (which I am almost done - Hallelujah), and many other things that are near and dear to me!
I invite you to travel this journey of life with me! I pray this will encourage you, encourage me, and perhaps strengthen my current friendships, and find new ones!
On here you will probably get to know me on a very personal level. You will in addition to getting to know me better, you will hear me brag about my kids, and hear all the highs and lows of parenting, hear about my best friend and soul mate for life, my husband Josh, and probably some about my best pal, Jake, our lab mix dog.
You will read about the joys in my life, my heartaches, which right now will involve a lot about the recent death of my mom, my struggle to find joy every day (yes, I am admitting, it's a daily struggle), my tough journey through grad school (which I am almost done - Hallelujah), and many other things that are near and dear to me!
I invite you to travel this journey of life with me! I pray this will encourage you, encourage me, and perhaps strengthen my current friendships, and find new ones!
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