It has been about a year and a half since I wrote on my blog. Writing is something I love doing, it clears my mind, helps me hone in on what is going on in my life, and it just can help heal my heart, mind, and soul. I really don't know why I haven't written in so long, I was writing to share what I was thankful for each day which was a life changing thing for me. It helped me to always look for the positive in each and every day. When I stopped, I could definitely tell a huge difference in my way of thinking and the way I viewed life. I suppose I let the busyness of life get in the way and also just forgetting to remember there is still a "me" and doing something I love.
A lot has happened in the past year and a half. I have moved back to my hometown, changed jobs, got remarried, and of course a lot of just the normal every day life circumstances. I have decided to write again because of a few life altering changes that have occurred in the past few months. Many people have been asking what is going on due to observations of course not only on social media, but just in every day interactions. I haven't said a lot to many people because for one, I am not that person who posts every single life event on social media or talk about it with just anyone in person, text, or whatever. But unfortunately, there does come a time when I have to face it and tell people. Rather than having to explain to many people over and over and to save myself from getting emotional every single time, I decided to write this blog. I have been contemplating for a while on when the appropriate time would be and well, today, I felt it was time.
First off, one major life altering change has been my marriage. We have been separated for a few months and yes, that will be over soon. As for anyone that knows me, will know I will never share details on private matters in my life, so I am just leaving it at that. Those who are my family and close friends know what has happened and have been an incredible support for me.
Many have and will start to think and say that what in the world is wrong with her? It's her second divorce, it hasn't been that long, etc. etc. I have heard it and will continue to hear that, but until anyone walks a minute in someone else's shoes or live in someones house, you have no right to question or judge. My real friends and family who know me, know that I am a person who fights hard and doesn't give up on the important things. So I hang on to those people who choose to love me no matter what. There are just some things in life that are beyond our control.
So, with that being said, it's been a rough time. Thankful that I have my job that I absolutely love and enjoy going to every day. I am thankful that a co-worker and friend asked me to coach softball at the school I teach at, which has kept me busy and distracted. I am working on healing and finding that peace and grace that only God can bring me. I know in the midst of pain, God will always love me, always be there, and will use this for something greater. It's a daily struggle to remember this promise. With all of this comes a lot of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and worrying about what others think of me. I am trying to choose every day to not let those thoughts consume me and steal my joy.
With that being said, on top of dealing with this, some new things have been discovered for my sweet loving son, Landry. If you have followed my blog at all, you know that he has had more than his share of medical issues. He has many allergies that make life interesting, speech delays, and now that he has been in school, there have been more things we have seen. Landry just finished up multiple days of testing at the Autism Center at Children's Hospital in Columbus. His dad and I just had a very long 2 hours of meeting with the doctor to go over his results and they left us feeling pretty overwhelmed. His diagnosis to put it in simple terms, is that he has a form of autism with some other disorders regarding behavior and impulses. Now I know when people hear the word autism, so many people think of so many different things. But, autism is a HUGE HUGE spectrum. For Landry, what effects him are his speech delays (which he has come so far; super proud of him); cognitively - he is 5 1/2 but is not where he should be, and his behavior. He struggles socially in that he has a hard time communicating like his peers do. He is super super friendly, doesn't meet a stranger, and loves people. One of the most awesome qualities about him is his smile - love it. So without going into all the long details, he has a long road ahead of him with therapy both in school and privately, and some challenges we have to work out when he does go to kindergarten this next year. As a teacher, I teach students on the autism spectrum daily, but as a parent, it is all so very different. Sitting in that chair listening to all the results were hard to swallow and it just crushes you. You start wondering if it is something you did, or "Oh my gosh, I have disciplining him all wrong, etc." Then the big question, "Will he get to where he needs to be so he can be like his peers?" That answer - Absolutely! Landry is a fighter and very strong willed, so I know he will. I still haven't processed everything and it will be frustrating to get every thing in place but we will get there. Landry is still the same sweet, loving, bright eyed huge smile little guy as he always was. I refuse to label him as the child who is autistic. He is my son, he is unique just as every single child is, and he will do great things as he continues to grow up.
I believe this is enough for one blog. I know some will read this and perhaps be upset that you have found out these things through here, but that is honestly because I don't go around sharing personal things and/or I am fearful of what you/others will think of me. I will continue to work on healing and surrounding myself with others who love and support me through this messed up life that quite frankly each and every one of us lives. If we didn't, we wouldn't need God - He who gives us the strength, forgiveness, peace, and grace to make us who He wants us to be.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4;6-7
These two bring me absolute joy!
This captures his personality so well!
