Apparently, I may have typed the first one too long as it wouldnt let me type anymore. So I will continue on a new post.
The last thing I wrote was that I am sure some think that I may not be a "true" Christian if I haven't read my Bible or really prayed for nearly 6 months!!! Well, you all can think what you want, I know that is not the case. I am not at all saying, it is "okay" to do that, but I do know many great women and men of God in the Bible who had their struggles with faith and God, remember Peter for instance? The dude who denied Jesus not 1, 2, but 3 times..yeah, and he ended up being a man that told thousands of people about the love of Jesus!
I have just been in a place of being numb when it comes to God. It is a scary place to be, and I don't like it. It seemed no matter where, whether at church with a room full of familiar people singing songs, which I most love to do, or hearing a sermon, praying with people, I felt so alone, sad, and that I didn't belong. Perhaps this is all part of the grieving process, I do not know, but I hope that starts to change soon. I have recently joined an online accountability group called hellomornings. I tried this last winter, but failed when my mom passed. It is basically a group of ladies that sign up with an online group and we communicate through twitter, email, facebook, and we keep each other accountable each morning. This neat group is set up to encourage us to get up for our kids by reading the Bible, praying, and exercising everyday. I am excited to say I have been 4 for 4 this week, I know that may not seem like a lot, but trust me, with our schedule going from sleeping in later, and no schedule to getting up at 6am, getting my daughter up for school, and myself to school as I started student teaching, I am proud of myself.
Even though it's only been 4 days, I feel a little better just beginning to read a little again and talking to God even if it's just short and simple.
Losing a parent is awful, everyday I think about my mom and just the thought of knowing that I can never pick up the phone to call or go see her in person, just literally sends a physical ache in my heart that I believe will never go away. I wish I could talk to her one last time, I wish I could hear her voice again. I struggle with why God let this happen, why 2 yrs ago she told my brother and I she didn't want us in her life anymore , why she died alone on her couch, why she had something go wrong wtih her heart, why she died at a young age, and why she never got to really know me, my daughter or even meet my son...it's a struggle I wrestle with daily. I miss her, I really do miss her.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
It's been a long while...
Some of you may have been wondering why I haven't written since the beginning of summer, or perhaps you haven't noticed. Ha! I had these great plans of writing at least once a week this summer, but I just didn't feel it, or when I did, I didn't have the time to sit and write. With having two small children, I feel like I really need a good hour of alone time to be able to sit and write, but I think maybe I just need to be okay with typing a little bit here and there when I can.
I think it would have been good for me to write this summer as it was a pretty good summer, it definitely had it's trying moments.
I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 5 years, and despite my part time subbing and going to Grad school, it has taken it's toll on my emotionally and mentally. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and thankful that God has provided this opportunity to be with my children while they are young and financially provide for our children. I will speak honestly and say that I do think, I know it is time that I embark on a different journey. I am not going to go on some tangent regarding what is harder of being a stay at home mom or a working mom. I have done both and I can say for me, it is equally stressful, hard, exhausting, and rewarding but in just different ways. I definitely know that one is good for one mom while the other may not be.
I will be graduating this December with my master's in Education and hopefully will be teaching full time soon. I can't tell you how excited I am for this! I know without a doubt this is the road I am suppose to be on. Teaching children is just so freaken awesome and I can't wait to have my own classroom. I may be sounding a little selfish to some of you since I am going on about not staying home with my kids anymore. Think what you want, but I think I will have the best of both worlds. While teachers do a lot during the summer months even though they do not have students, it is definitely more flexible in that I will be with my kids then and on the occasional breaks during the school year. Do I have a littel bit of guilt that I wont be with Landry everyday until he's in school? Yeah sure a little, but to be honest, I truly believe by achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a middle school teacher, getting out, meeting new people, etc. I will in turn be a better mom.
Enough of that.
This summer has been trying in many ways, both with being a mom with a sick little boy which landed us in Children's hospital for 5 days, parenting a stubborn 6 year old, and also wrestling with God on dealing with my grief of losing my mom this March. I have been wanting to write about my mom all summer, but I guess I was afraid of really thinking about how I feel about it so I have chose to ignore my "prompts" to write about it.
Some of you know that my relationship I had with my mom wasn't your typical Brady Bunch relationship. We never had "hear to heart" talks, we didn't call each other everyday, I didn't go to her for advice on boys, clothes (a few times), or how to be a mom myself when I had my babies. My mom has struggled with depression and various other sicknesses most of my life. Some of the choices she made were bad ones, and some were okay. I'll touch on that possibly later. But despite all of the junk in our relationship, it hasn't made losing her any easier, in fact some days I wonder if it has made it harder. We hadn't talked for nearly 2 years when she passed away. That alone lands a ton of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness on my heart. I have been so sick of people who have told me or written me emails/notes, that "this is probably a little easier" now that she has passed, you dont have to worry about her anymore. Or, you haven't talked to her for what 2 yrs? This probably isn't that much different? And the classic, "you weren't close" or overhearing "they werent close, so she's doing okay"! Sorry but those comments make me so ANGRY!!! Noone, I mean noone can even fathom the day to day sadness I feel over losing my mom. It completely sucks, and sadly has completely changed me. I am not so sure for the better, maybe in time it will be.
For those of you who know me, you know I am involved with church, always have. I love God first and foremost. But I am not going to lie, for the first time in my life I am struggling with my faith and have been a little angry with God and just life. I just started reading my Bible again this week. Yes, you read that right....aside from reading what I needed to read for Sunday night youth groups, I didn't read. March 8 - August 19 - no Bible reading and no heart felt prayers. I just could not do it. Some of you may be going..wow she's not really a Christian.
I think it would have been good for me to write this summer as it was a pretty good summer, it definitely had it's trying moments.
I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 5 years, and despite my part time subbing and going to Grad school, it has taken it's toll on my emotionally and mentally. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and thankful that God has provided this opportunity to be with my children while they are young and financially provide for our children. I will speak honestly and say that I do think, I know it is time that I embark on a different journey. I am not going to go on some tangent regarding what is harder of being a stay at home mom or a working mom. I have done both and I can say for me, it is equally stressful, hard, exhausting, and rewarding but in just different ways. I definitely know that one is good for one mom while the other may not be.
I will be graduating this December with my master's in Education and hopefully will be teaching full time soon. I can't tell you how excited I am for this! I know without a doubt this is the road I am suppose to be on. Teaching children is just so freaken awesome and I can't wait to have my own classroom. I may be sounding a little selfish to some of you since I am going on about not staying home with my kids anymore. Think what you want, but I think I will have the best of both worlds. While teachers do a lot during the summer months even though they do not have students, it is definitely more flexible in that I will be with my kids then and on the occasional breaks during the school year. Do I have a littel bit of guilt that I wont be with Landry everyday until he's in school? Yeah sure a little, but to be honest, I truly believe by achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a middle school teacher, getting out, meeting new people, etc. I will in turn be a better mom.
Enough of that.
This summer has been trying in many ways, both with being a mom with a sick little boy which landed us in Children's hospital for 5 days, parenting a stubborn 6 year old, and also wrestling with God on dealing with my grief of losing my mom this March. I have been wanting to write about my mom all summer, but I guess I was afraid of really thinking about how I feel about it so I have chose to ignore my "prompts" to write about it.
Some of you know that my relationship I had with my mom wasn't your typical Brady Bunch relationship. We never had "hear to heart" talks, we didn't call each other everyday, I didn't go to her for advice on boys, clothes (a few times), or how to be a mom myself when I had my babies. My mom has struggled with depression and various other sicknesses most of my life. Some of the choices she made were bad ones, and some were okay. I'll touch on that possibly later. But despite all of the junk in our relationship, it hasn't made losing her any easier, in fact some days I wonder if it has made it harder. We hadn't talked for nearly 2 years when she passed away. That alone lands a ton of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness on my heart. I have been so sick of people who have told me or written me emails/notes, that "this is probably a little easier" now that she has passed, you dont have to worry about her anymore. Or, you haven't talked to her for what 2 yrs? This probably isn't that much different? And the classic, "you weren't close" or overhearing "they werent close, so she's doing okay"! Sorry but those comments make me so ANGRY!!! Noone, I mean noone can even fathom the day to day sadness I feel over losing my mom. It completely sucks, and sadly has completely changed me. I am not so sure for the better, maybe in time it will be.
For those of you who know me, you know I am involved with church, always have. I love God first and foremost. But I am not going to lie, for the first time in my life I am struggling with my faith and have been a little angry with God and just life. I just started reading my Bible again this week. Yes, you read that right....aside from reading what I needed to read for Sunday night youth groups, I didn't read. March 8 - August 19 - no Bible reading and no heart felt prayers. I just could not do it. Some of you may be going..wow she's not really a Christian.
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