There are so many people I know who are going through very stressful times in their lives. And as everyone knows the past few years for me have been trying and especially the past few months. Despite having accepted Christ into my life and then being baptized, attending church all of my life, attending Bible college, and experiencing God in so many different ways and levels, I still doubt. I very much doubted that God could really get me through grad school, help me with that test, and help me get my license to teach. I doubted that God could forgive me for crap that I have done and doubted that He loved me unconditionally. To my amazement as He always does, He answered my prayers, and showed me that He has been walking beside me the whole time. Did he answer them in the way and time frame that I expected? No, He did not. It took a whole year, lots of money, time, heartache, disappointment, to get my license, AND I still haven't passed that Social Studies test. I am not teaching it currently so it is not a big deal, but He answered it in His timing. He knew that in a year the state would change their mind and allow teachers to just get their license in one content area rather than two. I look back over the past year of trying to pass that test. It was trying, extremely trying, my job was always on the line and still was until last week, up to the very last second. But I think of all the things I have learned. I have learned a lot about myself, I have developed relationships with people that I would never have if it weren't for studying for this test, I have learned that no matter what, you have to keep trying and keep fighting for something you truly want. I learned for the millionth time that God has and always will take care of me, even when I am completely lost and swimming in a sea of doubt and lack of faith, He was and is still there. He had a purpose for the suffering I endured. I am not sure why He had me do go through all of that, and I may never know the "main reason", but I do know I learned a lot and was reminded of who God is and what He can really do.
I think back and remember that any time someone told me "Do not worry", "God will work it out", "Do not stress about it", "It will be okay", I seriously sometimes wanted to punch them, okay not really, but it did make me angry at times. There were times where I honestly did not think I would be okay and that God must be mad at me because He is nowhere to be found and is not helping me at all. But the truth of it was, I am glad that God had those people tell me that, even though I didn't want to hear it, because they really did help me get through it. Looking back I am thankful for those reminders of God taking care of me.
As I sit here tonight, I know of a few people who are completely stressed out, worrying how they will provide for them self and their family, where they will work, how will the bills get paid this month, worried that they are not worth anything, why do other people love them....and it makes my heart incredibly heavy. Perhaps one of the reasons God had me endure this deep darkness of life was so that I could completely understand when others experience the same heartache. Every single thing I listed above are things I have and still do sometimes feel and it completely sucks and you truly feel like you will never get out of that dark hole. Maybe God is using me to help others get through this stage of life, and I just truly hope I am doing all that God intends me to do. It is weird to think of where I was and my view of God just a few weeks ago, and to where I am today. Now I am the one saying - " You will be okay" "You are worth something" "This doesn't define who you are as a person" " God will take care of you" "Do not worry" "Do not stress".
But I also know some of those things are not possible - worry, stress, etc. they are not for me, it truly isn't. So instead I say this and most importantly I pray this - "God, please fill their hearts and minds with Your peace, Your love, Your understanding. God please show them how much You love them and that You will truly take care of them. God please help them deal with their stress in a way that they can relax and can rely on others and most importantly learn to trust and rely on You.
My heart is heavy for people I love so very much, but I am thankful that I know that God is and will be taking care of them, and I am so thankful that God loves me and loves these people so so much and that I and they are worth it!
This is one of my absolute favorite verses; one that I often recite in my head when things are tough.
6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
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