Day 8...Experiencing Peace in God's Creation

There is just something about being outside near water, trees, a blue sky, and the rays of sunshine that is so good for the soul.  Today was such a beautiful day and I was able to enjoy it while canoeing on the Hocking River and hiking at Old Man's Cave.  Every time I am able to spend time outside in beautiful serene places away from my phone, people,and the business of life, I am reminded of the peace that it brings.  No matter how many times I am surrounded by nature, I am in awe of God's beautiful creation.  Every part of nature has such intricate parts to it. The way different roots grow in all different directions, the difference in the height and depth of trees, how the water is shallow in one area, but six inches away you can't see the bottom.  I love how different birds sing different songs and the currents in the rivers.  The beauty of the different rock formations, and the coolness in temperature at the bottom of the cave.  All of these things are part of who God is and what He has created.  Spending time in the beauty and serenity of nature today, brought a sense of calmness and peace over me and in my heart; for this I am thankful.

Day 7...O Happy Day

I.FINALLY.AM.GETTING.MY.REAL.TEACHING.LICENSE!!!! Thank you Jesus! This past year has been horrific in trying to pass this awful test in a subject that I am not even teaching! Thankfully the Ohio Department of Education is allowing teachers to get a license in just one subject area! Whoo hoo! I can't even describe the joy that I am feeling! So, today I am singing O Happy Day in my head and around the house as I am so elated to be teaching fourth grade Language Arts at the same school that I love teaching at! God is good and faithful.  Maybe next time something that is completely stressful and extremely hard, instead of doubting God, I'll trust Him more.
So thankful for today and I am beyond joyful!

Day 6...Better Day

Thankful for a much better day today! There is something about being around people who you know care about you.  Whether you are with them face to face or having some kind of contact via text, email, or phone.  People that always make you feel important and that they care about you and what is going on in your life. Today was that kind of day for me.  I was surrounded by people who made me feel loved and cared for in all aspects today, face to face, phone, email, text, etc. God created community for a reason, for that I am grateful.
I finally got to watch Heaven is For Real tonight, what an inspirational movie.  Since I have been struggling with doubt lately, it was encouraging to watch the father in this movie who struggled with his faith and the existence of heaven and through his four year old son, God changed his heart.  I could very much relate to his struggle and the experience of God changing that doubt into belief.  I am thankful that God is doing that very thing in my heart currently.  I am seeing glimpses of His faithfulness every day; being around special people today were one of those glimpses.

Thankful for:
1. Fall like weather today.
2. Feelings of peace rather than anxiousness today.
3. Better day.

Day 5....Sometimes You Just Have to Let the Tears Flow

What.A.Day.  I should've known this day may not turn out to be my day when I was unable to open my new jar of honey for my cup of coffee this morning.  If only that was the worst part of the day...I had an appointment about an hour from home and after that appointment I decided to grab lunch through a drive-through and sit in my car to eat.  I turned everything off, lights, car charger, radio, and the keys were out of the ignition, but somehow only after 10 minutes of eating when I went to start my car it wouldn't start.  Battery dead.  In the past  ten or so years I have NEVER had a dead battery, and I have had this happen to me four times in the past three months.  Thankfully I had a friend close by who I called and he came and jumped my car.  I decided I would carry on with my day and stop at a few stores, again I come out, no lights on, nothing and I barely could start my car.  Afraid of driving on my way home, and it not starting, or waking up in the morning and it not starting, I called my friend and again and he was kind enough to follow me over to Walmart and to see about getting a new battery.  An hour later, I was on my way home with a new battery and $130.00 poorer.  However, I am thankful I had a friend close by despite being an hour away from home, and thankful I made it home.  Throughout the day other major stressful events took place which just added to my day.  The icing on the cake was leaving Kroger's with a cart full of groceries and standing by my car and realizing I didn't have my keys. I dumped my purse out, no keys, looked in the car, no keys. The tears came and flowed, said a few choice words to myself, and tried to walk gracefully back in the store to ask if they would hold my groceries and put my ice cream back in the freezer until I could unlock my car.  An hour later after walking back to my house, getting my spare key and walking back around 9:30pm, I retrieved my groceries, and drove home.  Of all the mess taking place daily in my life, these little things that happened today just exemplified those other things, I caved, and yes broke down in the Kroger's parking lot.  Sometimes you just have to let the tears flow because there is nothing else you can do.  Despite the craziness, I am thankful it was a beautiful night to walk and thankful I had gone home earlier and changed out of my heels into flip flops.  I am now thankful this day is about over and I can go to sleep.
Thankful for today:
1. Beautiful weather.
2. Good friends who help when your car dies.
3. A good cry - it is needed sometimes.
4. Tomorrow is almost here
5. Dinner out with a good friend.
6. Opportunities.

Day 4...Self Worth

Self worth: the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect.

Self worth are such strong and powerful words.  Words that can literally make a person feel like they are on top of the world or completely destroy themselves and the ones they love.  Self worth I think is a struggle for a lot of people, I know it is for me.  Today has been one of those days where I am letting it tear me down.  I had a lot of time to let negative thoughts enter my mind today.  Thoughts of my mistakes, doubt, failures, worry, my physical appearance, the "what ifs", measuring myself to other moms and people, the list goes on and on.  Basing my self worth on those things will not get my anywhere and it will not only destroy me as a person but it will bring down the people closest to me in my life.  I realized tonight while I was in the middle of this self destructing mood and sitting on my couch literally in tears feeling as if I am not worth a crap to anyone right now, that I am pushing people that I love away by doing that.  

I know that I have done that in the past to others, I hate that, if I could change it I would.  But since I am starting over, I have a chance to not let it happen to anyone else in my life.  It is hard to remember that my self worth comes only from one person and one person only  - God.  He created me as it says in Psalm 139:14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

God reminded me of that tonight as I was sitting alone in tears wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Sometimes it takes us falling apart and coming to Him before we actually hear what we need to hear.

He also reminded me again during a phone conversation with a great person He has placed in my life during this mess.  Sometimes hearing encouraging words and reassurance from someone who really cares about you is that little nudge to get you out of that dark hole you feel like you are sinking in and can't get out of.

That is what I love about God, you never know how or who He will use to help you in life's messes.  This verse from Ephesians has become a favorite of mine. It came to my mind tonight as well; a great reminder that I am worth it because God is able to do so much in me, more than I could ever imagine.

Ephesians 3:20 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

Thankful for:

1. Scripture that pops in my head exactly when I need it.

2. God putting people in my life when I need them.

3. Courage to write and share my story.

4. God's unconditional love.

Day 3... Adjusting

Adjusting to new things are always very trying. Today was one of them.  I am on day three of a migraine that has been on and off since Thursday. Today was the absolute worst day with it, which led me to having to lay down for hours only to waking up even more sick. I am thankful that my grandparents came down for a visit today and that they were able to hang out with my kids for a few hours so I could sleep.  There are new things each day that are an adjustment, today, it was trying to adjust taking care of my kids while I am very sick.  Migraines suck, absolutely suck. I am thankful that my kids are tucked in bed and that I can finally go to bed and hopefully wake up with no migraine tomorrow.
I am one that is not a big fan of change and sometimes not wanting to try new things.  From the little things such as once I find something I like at a certain restaurant, I usually do not order anything different because when I do, I end up not liking it, and bigger things.  The bigger things such as I hate to start new job even though it can be exciting, it is scary all at the same time.  As I have written about so much, I struggle with anxiousness and worry, which leads to having a hard time adjusting to new things in life.  One of the things I am trying to remember as I am adjusting, is that God has me in His hands, and His love does not waiver.

How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
    in the shadow of your wings.
Psalm 36:7

Thankful for:
1. My grandparents visiting today.
2. My grandmas delicious cherry pie.
3. That my kids are able to know their great-grandparents.
4. Bedtime when I feel like crap.
5. Storms in the afternoon.
6. That my precious kids kept checking on me while I was laying down today.
7. For other's that love and think about my kids.

My son and my grandpa having fun at lunch!

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Day 2...Letting Go

Letting go of past mistakes, failures, or whatever you want to call them, is something that is hard to do. Although I haven't figured out why that is so hard for me to do when I know how much peace that brings, I still tend to cling on to those things.  I forget that God doesn't want me to continually beat myself up over and over; He wants me to learn from what I did, but He also wants me to remember that Jesus already took that pain of sin for me.  Thank you Jesus, for dying on that cross.  I don't even want to imagine what life would be like if He didn't and if I didn't accept Him.  I am in the process of learning to let go of past mistakes, it's a long, hard journey, but I am starting to accept God's grace again.  I realized that if I want to be where I need and want to be with God, and other important people in my life, I have to let go and accept God's forgiveness and His unconditional love.  By letting go, I am starting to feel glimpses of peace in my soul again, what a beautiful thing.

What I am thankful for today:
1. Answered prayers
2. Long meaningful conversation with a special friend tonight
3. Hearing from friends that I haven't heard from in a long time
4. Seeing the excitement on my kids faces when I picked them up from their grandparents
5. God's grace
6. That it didn't cost as much as I thought it was to get my SUV fixed today :)

One of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen. This was taken back in the Fall on my way to work.  Seeing this reminds me of simply letting go and resting in God.

Starting Over...Day 1

It has been a few months since I have wrote on my blog.  There are many reasons that I stopped, some I will share tonight, others later, and others I may never share.  One thing I have learned through writing is that if you do not feel it in your heart, don't force it.  As my life has had many many changes in the past few months, my heart has not been in writing.  I decided to give this blog a face lift.  I changed my title from New Beginning to Finding Joy in the Mess of Life, changed the background, and am now starting over with my days of gratitude.
I changed my title to Finding Joy in the Mess of Life because well to be honest, parts of the past few months have been a living hell; a big mess.  Just about every aspect of my life has been a mess, but as always, there are glimpses of joy when I would choose to find it.  One big part of my mess has been my relationship with God, it has been a huge mess, and to be honest it has been for a long time.  I wrote a lot about doubting over the past year, sadly that doubt has continued to grow all the while adding anger, and struggling with God's grace and forgiveness.  I wish I could say I am the type of person who always runs and clings to God when things suck and fall apart; sometimes I do; but most of the time I don't.  Feeling so far away from God is one of the most scariest feelings I have ever felt.
While there is so much that is on my heart, so many things I have learned, am learning, facing, dealing with; tonight is about starting over.  I am starting over with writing each day of what I am thankful for.  I am starting over in the way I view God and His grace, forgiveness, and love.  I am starting over with life.
It is my hope that this blog will still encourage others, but I also know that there are others who will read this and get pissed off, some who may not think highly of me right now because of what others have been saying or because of their judgements of me without really knowing what has been going on. That is the chance you take when writing and being real, and so I say this: if you don't want to know the real me or what has been or what is on my heart, please don't continue to read my blogs.  I am learning who my real friends and family are through my mess, my mistakes, my joys, and my life right now.  I am learning to try and accept the ones that aren't and move on.  Tonight I am starting over - finally taking steps to finding peace again, and it feels good.
Tonight I am thankful for:
1. The awesome weather - sunny, cool breeze, no humidity, sleeping with the windows open
2. My sweet kids - I am so so thankful for Hadley and how she is just such a strong and beautiful little girl. My little man who is so full of life, his laughter, his chubby cheek smiles, sweet sweet boy.
3. Finding God again - What a dark pit of hell when you distance yourself from Him- especially when you've hit rock bottom.  Thankful that no matter what I do, the mistakes I make, God loves me unconditionally and offers His grace and forgiveness, the hard part is accepting it.
4. People who are sticking by me - Through all of this mess, very few people are going through it with me.  I am so thankful for the ones who call and text me to check on me, who hang out with me, cry with me, just sit with me, pray for and with me, and most of all who accepts and loves me no matter what has happened, thank you to all of you and you know who you are. I love each of you so much!
5. Prayers answered - I see God at work in answering some prayers that I have had for months and a lot of others have been praying for.

When I think of starting over, I think of taking a drive on backroads that I have never driven on.  They are beautiful, new, and you have no idea where it ends up. Just like trusting God and you know in the end, you will be just fine.