Her grave is a little over 2 hrs away, but Josh didn't mind. After getting my daughter off to school, and taking my son again to the Dr. and then settled in with some of his favorite people (Nanny and Pappaw) we took off. Before going the cemetery, we were able to meet my dad and my grandparents for lunch. This was something nice and again, helped to be with family on this particular day. We didn't talk about my mom, but just being together helped.
As we left to go to the cemetery, it of course started raining and it was cold, it added to the weariness of the day. I wasn't sure what one is suppose to do when you visit people's graves so as I was driving there I was thinking of what should I do, say,or do I say or do anything?
We pulled in and I turned to Josh and asked him," Well,I am not sure what to do? I should've brought her flowers, why didn't I do that?" He ever so sweetly said, "It's okay that you didn't bring flowers, and I don't think there is anythings specific you have to do."
So we both got out in the cold pouring rain, and just stood there looking at her grave. We talked a little about her, but mostly stood there quietly. I began to think about all the things I have learned from my mom. The one thing that stood out was her prayers. She had kept prayer journals for as long as I can remember, and I remember as a young child, sneaking into her room and reading them. I of course know, that is completely wrong but I was a child and curious to what my mom wrote. She would always write to God, praying, and laying all of her hurts, wants, needs, all of it, no holding back.
I didn't think too much of it then, but thought I was kind of getting to know my mom a little bit better when I read them.
When she passed away last year, I had found just a few journals that were with her Bible and again, they were all prayers to God. I thought, wow, God must have been proud of her for completely laying out everything to Him. That is what He wants us to do.
Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
My mom did just that, ALWAYS.
Due to the unique relationship I had with my mom, I sometimes focus too much on the areas that I wish were different but yesterday as I was looking at her grave, it was as if God was gently telling me, "What special things did you learn from your mom, what can you take away from her life?" That is what I did. Thinking back on her prayers, she reminded me of David who wrote many of the Psalms in the Bible and many of those were David pouring his heart out to God. Again, this is what God wants us to do. I thought it was totally a God thing that just this past Sunday, the sermon at church was about God's role and how He is our Father. A father's role is many things: protector, guides you, plans for you and most importantly has a real relationship with their children. All of these are how we should see God because He is our heavenly Father and we need to run to Him with everything. Our Pastor said it best when he was telling us how to approach God, when we pray it should come out as "Bleh......." spilling our guts, telling Him everything, our hurts, fears, joys, even when we don't have it figured out, He will and does. The cool thing is, my mom did just that.
I need to be more like her in this area. I tend to hold things back when I pray to God, which is really silly since He already knows every aspect of my life anyways.
As we left her grave, I had mixed emotions. I was sad because I truly miss her and wish I could hear her voice and talk to her about many many things. I felt some peace knowing she isn't hurting anymore, and also a sense of joy after God revealed to me about what I can learn from her.
I still have many many regrets and would give anything to have done things differently when she was still alive. My heart literally still aches at times when I think about her. I still get angry at things that have happened between us. It is amazing of how many different waves of emotions, feelings, and things a person has to go through during grief, and that time really doesn't make it any easier. I know that it will take a very long time to deal with everything, in fact, I may never get it all sorted out. However, I am glad I have a heavenly Father who absolutely loves me and wants me to come to Him with every emotion and feelings I have. Thank you mom, for being an example of doing just that. Love and miss you immensely.
